The freshman fifteen

Two weeks ago, I took a slightly sexist cheap shot at freshmen females. To clarify, I was referring to the ones who wear high heels, short skirts and no jackets to winter parties. You’ll see what I mean soon.

In light of my aforementioned low blow, I shall counter-attack with a far more disconcerting issue.

While enjoying the Welcome Week concert at the start of the semester, my friends and I spotted a horrific sight. Yes, it was “them.” We saw them creeping and blundering to the seats near us like a pack of hyenas. They were freshmen dudes.

Two of them were clearly in happy states and began to dance around obnoxiously, bumping into my roommates. Then they tried to woo the females next to them with their swagger. It was like watching the “Discovery Channel.” It was cute, sad, funny and annoying all at the same time-kind of like an elementary school play.

I kindly asked one of them to stop and save his legs for running from seniors who would beat him up. He profusely apologized, and then continued to dance, and then apologized again and shook my hand. It was a vicious cycle.

To my fellow gentlemen: Don’t be that guy. Though you may think looking and acting like a straight-up bro will win you a regrettable one-night stand at best, your reputation will sink faster than the Titanic. Too soon?

While keg stands, beer chugging and ripping shots may feel good (Oh come on, we both know it tastes awful) you will feel like a watermelon grew in your brain overnight the next day. I’m not saying don’t have a good time-–just don’t be stupid about it.

Also, don’t fake it. Everyone knows you’re not as inebriated as you make yourself appear. The drinks are watered down. Gasp.

And for the love of god, can you please save the ‘gangsta’ for the weekend? Everyone loves blasting rap and cranking dubstep, but Monday and Tuesday are just not the days to do it. It was cool the first week, but now your floormates are plotting your demise. Sleep with one eye open.

Though your jacked muscles may be attractive and something I envy, we all know that you strut around campus shrouded in insecurities like the rest of us. Are all muscular guys unintelligent show-offs? Absolutely not, but you know who you are.

Shouting when it’s unnecessary isn’t even annoying. It’s honestly just plain confusing. There is nothing more disorienting than when I’m at a party and an attempting-to-be-gruff voice yells out a phrase that emphasizes the words ‘bro,’ ‘brah,’ and ‘dude,’ and pushes the actual words to the back burner.

All-in-all, don’t be him. May I suggest being like the guy that walked in behind his drunken friends at the Chiddy Bang concert? This was the cool freshman. He chatted with us, apologized for his friend, and still had a good time dancing at the concert. And you know what? He’s the one who’s going to get the action in the long run.

But seriously guys, if I’ve offended you–aw, hell who are we kidding? If you’re a true bro you’re not even reading this paper.

Matthew Flocco can be reached at matthew.flocco@temple.edu.