You’ve seen him. Maybe you are him. Chances are you don’t know him.
But there he is in all his biking glory: unkempt hair blowing in the wind, rolled-up right pant leg, over-the-shoulder messenger bag, torn thrift store shirt and an apathetic demeanor. He is the enigmatic bike-sexual.
To understand a bike-sexual, you must first acknowledge the deep relationship he has with his bike. His affinity goes way beyond human understanding. Only his bike really knows how he feels.
Perhaps you’ve swooned over a bike-sexual. It’s hard not to – he’s so mysterious and he’s got that I-don’t-care-about-nuthin’-but-my-bike attitude. Those tight pants just beg for some lovin’.
After observing many bike-sexuals on campus and in the city, I will share some interesting facets to their existence for those in the dark.
Often, he carries a miniature bike pump and tools in that bulky messenger bag. If something were to happen to his bike, his day-to-day functioning would cease and he might retreat from society until the bike was fixed. But they’re not unsociable creatures – bike-sexuals have many friends, but of course they too are often bike-sexuals. Bike-sexuals might converse over whose milk crate they are going to tie onto the back of their bike: Wawa’s or 7-Eleven’s. Of course a Wawa crate is the preferred choice, unless the bike-sexual is trying to be ironic.
He has at least 20 different locks for his bike. He has to lock the seat, the back tire, the frame and the handlebars. He tightly carries his front wheel around with him, which may be considered PDA to some people. Just get a room already.
It’s best not to develop crushes on bike-sexuals. A bike-sexual will often ignore his girlfriend or boyfriend in order to spend more time with his bike. The bike always comes first – making out is the farthest thing from his mind. Don’t be surprised if the bike-sexual you’re dating ditches you at dinner to go for a 15-mile ride. It’s just who he is – he needs to be accepted for that.
He also believes that he’s immortal. If you watch a bike-sexual ride in traffic, he swerves in and out, just barely escaping massive collisions with angry motorists. Being on his bike makes him feel invincible. Bike riding becomes a powerful drug. Or it might just be the putrid exhaust fumes that make bike-sexuals ride like idiots. Sometimes he rides a bike with one gear (being a weak and frail biker myself, that’s pretty hardcore) or a bike with no breaks. He’ll ride in the harshest conditions – tornadoes, avalanches and sandstorms. You know, typical Philadelphia weather.
So next time you feel that your boyfriend’s bike is coming between you and him, it’s time to face reality – your boyfriend is bike-sexual.
Ellen Minsavage can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.