How quickly our semester draws to a close. Promise me you’ll keep up on all the goss over the summer? Promise? Liars. All of you. Now read this column before I love you too much.
PETA. Let’s have a talk. You and I. I understand that Jennifer Lopez is sporting anally electrocuted mink round-the-clock but, dammit, she’s a superstar. Think back to that time in high school when that cutie with the leather belt winked at you or that Christmas party where your mother’s snakeskin pumps were flung at your father’s head. What about the first time you saw Dr. Zhivago? They needed that fur to stay warm!
Hollywood is hell frozen over, and I say let J.Lo keep her platinum pinkies warm. But no, you insist on heinous protests outside of Jay Leno’s Tonight Show and the premiere of Monster-In-Law. Lopez aside, have you no respect for Jane Fonda?
A curse on your aerobics routines.
Breaking news: Lindsay Lohan is blonde!! So blonde, in fact, she forgot to lock her doors.
Burglars targeted the Herbie: Fully Loaded star and her property. Lohan was out of town when two televisions and a DVD player were taken. No one was harmed but empty booze bottles were found at the scene. To whom did they belong, Linds?
Reese Witherspoon, another famous blonde, is fuming over the stalkerazzi. Husband Ryan Phillipe and she are seeking to press charges on those tricky photogs for “false arrest,” by holding Reese against her will and blocking the entrance to her gated community. Ouch.
Speaking of holding against will, charitable mom Julia Roberts offered her celeb power to Clint Eastwood’s Hole in the Wall Gang benefit. The gala, benefiting nature camps for kids with special needs, was attended by teeny tiny Ashley Olsen. Olsen waited in line just to meet Roberts. Sweet. A fan is a fan, people.
Brad and Angelina were on a remote beach the other day with Jolie’s adorable son Maddox. The New York Post scooped the world with the shots, seeming to say that their fling is official.
And let me introduce exhibit B into evidence. In a recent chat with UK web witches Female First, Jolie described herself as “an incurable romantic,” and she’s “looking for a man who would be the best father in the world, someone who would put the happiness of my son above everything else and enjoy the responsibility of parenting with me.”
Any takers? We know Brad feels the same, and Eva Longoria’s lining up to yin his yang. She was spotted last week in a T-shirt reading “Brad, I’ll have your baby.”
God, I love this town.
Have a safe and beautiful summer. Don’t wear gaucho pants. Keep tunics to a minimum and avoid the sun if you want eternal youth.
Matt Donnelly can be reached at email@example.com.