Dirt: The dukes of divorce

Again, those bastardly deadlines. They forbid me in breaking the hotness when and where it happens, but we do the best we can.

Don’t shoot the messenger if ya’ll haven’t heard, but turn your heads to the flaming wreckage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. After three years of marriage and the past eight months of grueling speculation, they have officially split.

“After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time,” the couple said in a joint statement. I encourage you to e-mail with thoughts, speculation and idle chatter about this breakup-I’m here to facilitate the healing. I didn’t abandon you during the Brad and Jen ordeal, and I’m not going anywhere now. It’s all about the follow through, Dirtlings.

Another recent split, the enfakement of Kimberly Stewart and Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero is off. If you didn’t even know it was on, go back to your happy place because you’re better off not knowing they existed.

More news from couples land: International bombshell Charlize Theron and partner Stewart Townsend have decided they won’t marry until the gays can.

“We came up with a new idea that we said that we would get married the day that gays and lesbians can get married – when that right is given to them. We’ve decided that we’re going to use that in a positive way, so the day that law gets passed then we’ll get married.” Sweet. But don’t hold your breath for that invitation.

An invitation I can extend is for you to pick up this weeks OK! Magazine, for it holds the lush, exclusive photos of the nuptials between Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman. Congratulations, you little bride in a bottle-you’re all grown up now! In attendance at the small, private weekend celebration were the likes of Christina’s manager and former candy man Irving Azoff, the eccentric and sensual Sharon Stone and former Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake with Cameron Diaz in tow.

Aguilera’s gown was pure bridal couture made by the legendary Christian Lacroix. The bride wore woven flowers in her platinum blonde hair, and as far as photos reveal the bridal party consisted of non-celebs. Mozel! Good things. Aguilera’s entire courtship, 10-month engagement and now marriage seems the most promising of the female pop star set. Record executive Bratman may be the key-a tip for all you little starlets, public girls should marry private men.

And here’s a tip from me for those very public girls-pay top dollar when it comes to your clothes. That’s what my dear friend (friend in a distant-I’ve-never-met-you-but-we’d-be-close-like-borrowing-sugar-close way) Pamela Anderson did. When the Double D beauty shunned the skimpy wardrobe on her sitcom Stacked (do I win, like, alliteration of the year or what?) Anderson shelled out an extra $100,000 for nicer duds.

From whom? Oh, girl, the likes of Stella McCartney. Not only does Pam consider the line fierce, she’s a fan of animal-friendly Stella (especially her vegan pumps). Peace, love and vege-safe footwear … and Dirt.

Matt Donnelly can be reached at dirtthefragrance@yahoo.com.

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