In the long-winded tradition of academia, I have decided to bestow upon thee, my dear readers, some parting advice as the year draws to a close.
First, for those of you who hated my column, here are some helpful ideas of things you can do with it around the house — other than using it as the traditional collector of feces on the bottom of your birdcage.
With some basic knowledge of the Web, you can scan my photo off the column and paste my face onto an image of a man screwing a monkey, or better yet a KKK South Carolina Convention of 2001 group photo or a portrait of your favorite member of the Taliban. Next, print out the picture and decorate it with uncooked macaroni, glitter, and Valentine’s stickers.
You could also have your rottweiler smell the column to get my scent and then send him after me with specific commands to, “maim, not kill.” When your dog delivers my tattered body to your doorstep, you could nail my ears to the wall and force me to watch “The Facts of Life” while listening to Yanni’s “Live at the Acropolis” for five days before stuffing me in a bucket full of lime juice and pig’s feet and pushing me off the Ben Franklin Bridge.
Or you could just pee on the column and bury it upside down.
The point is that I don’t care either way. Any way you denigrate my work is good enough as long as you do so in the cruel and unusual fashion that the Soapbox warrants.
Now, for those who loved my column and hate to see it go, the following are some good replacements. Watch “Survivor.” There is nothing better on television. The chicks look good, the strategies are intense, and they bitch and moan about food more than Sally Struthers and Oprah combined.
Try using dairy replacements in your food such as soy and rice milks. The lack of cow milk will thin you down and make you feel a little dizzy. Then, you can giggle at nonsense such as bank robberies and Sierra Mist all summer long.
Finally, learn some simple magic tricks like making a quarter appear out of someone’s ear. They take very little time to learn and are a great way of meeting people of the opposite sex – or same sex for that matter. Why let guys like David Copperfield and David Blaine steal all the high-class tail? You can do it yourself with a simple magic book from your local library. While there, you can browse the library’s vast selection of videos including The Patriot and Dune and their masterful collection of cassette tapes by artists like Bel Biv Devoe and Ratt.
So enjoy. Now that you’ll all be employed this summer, I can overdose on Bayer, molest police horses, and bathe in the toilet with good conscience.