There is nothing more feared in modern society than the loss of cable TV. I have heard stories of men who chose to lose limbs rather than their cable.
There is nothing more emasculating than having to admit to friends and colleagues that you missed the latest episode of “TV Funhouse” or that you don’t know what “Sex and the City” is. Those without cable are forced to turn inward and scrawl angry messages on bathroom walls wishing that one day they too can sit lifelessly watching the glory that is Sportscenter.
But I, my friends, have lost my cable TV and I don’t want it back. Why? Have I lost my will to live? Do I have three girlfriends? Am I so health-conscious that I’d rather go outside for a walk than watch people walking on television?
No, I have not lost my proverbial marbles. Rather, I have returned to the classics, by that I mean “the Networks.”
Truth be told, the networks were around well before ESPN2 came on the scene and are even older than VH1 and, yes, even the History Channel. Therefore, one could say that they are pre-historic!
So what could I ever want with these antiquated forms of television? Intelligent programming … and lots of it.
Did you know that without paying one red cent I can watch “Temptation Island,” the XFL, and “Politically Incorrect” complete with their accompanying commercial advertisements? Indeed, there are lots of shows on the networks that get passed over when one gets lost in the cable TV jungle. Like Fox’s wonderful compilations of police videos and CBS’s always poignant golf coverage.
The networks are the amino acids of television. Watching them is akin to reading books. In fact, they’re probably just as old as books and they don’t even weigh down your backpack.
Like books, the networks are low-tech. The networks come in fuzzy. They don’t try to wow you with picture quality or camera work. They have one camera and it doesn’t work. What you see is what you get, unless you’ve got some aluminum foil and a compass.
Furthermore, the networks carry hard-hitting news. None of that flowery material that cable stations carry. No, this stuff is murder, rape, child molestation and it’s all happening in your own back yard. And it’s presented by reporters with degrees from Delaware State and, yes even, Temple. The Networks don’t need Harvard Law professors to prove their worth.
You see, the networks are the gods of television. NBC is Zeus and Fox, Dionysus. Watching them is like looking into the bowels of human history.
And I’m proud to say that I peer down those bowels every single day.