Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Hey, hey, you fine thang! It’s time for you to get out and hit the town. Your recent dry spell in the love department is about to end, but you need to do the foot work. A little self confidence goes along way, and you should start using yours. Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Shallow Hal.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Times are tough all over the world, but don’t let that get you down. It’s important that you don’t let the meaninglessness of your own futile mortal existence bother you. Keep a smile on your face, and all will end well, trust me…Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Patch Adams.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Focus, Focus, FOCUS! You have been far too distracted as of late. Blinders and isolation are what you need this week. Ignore your friends when they ask you out. You need to hunker down and get some much needed “me time.” Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Castaway.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
No need to be so uptight, Uppity McTighttight. Calm down, and try to understand that no one sees things quite as seriously as you do. Yeah, you are very stressed, but it will pass. Just let life take its course, you know? Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Cable Guy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Free you mind, and the rest will follow, my friend. Don’t be so apprehensive about new experiences this week. Sure, it might seem weird or kinky, but it’s only a crime if you get caught, eh? Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Yes, mental health is very important, but you really need to get off the couch, you gluttonous sloth! Get out and get some exercise before the horrors of winter set in. A short run always pays off in the long run. Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Pumping Iron.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Watch your back, secret agent man! Your shady double dealings will come back with a vengeance this week, and will do so from a very unexpected direction. Trust no one but yourself. Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Beautiful Mind.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Man, life is good, ain’t it? “Why so,” you ask? Well, you’re a Taurus, aren’t you? Score: Taurus – 1. Everyone else – 0. Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Any ol’ home movie of yours, because you’re just that awesome!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Quit being a goober and show your friends some respect. You are too busy getting boozed up and trying to look cool that you don’t even realize who you’re ignoring. Get off your high horse, because no one really cares. Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Probably something like Welcome To The Dollhouse, you heartless creep.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Well, the good news is that it’s not going to get worse. The bad news is, it’s gonna stay that way for quite sometime. You have a hard road ahead, but just take it easy and be true to yourself and you’ll come out all right in the end. Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Road to Perdition.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
This is the week for you to quit being such a baby. Just go out and get what you want. What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I mean, other than house arrest…Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: TOYS.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
This is the week for you to start acting like a baby. The people in your life have not been lavishing you with the love and attention you deserve. The only thing that will get through to them is a fit of epic proportions. Let ’em have it! Your Feel Good Movie of the Week: Honey, I Blew Up The Kid.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com.