Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
That guy at work sure is pretty, but don’t fall for it! Under his shiny, well groomed, nose-hairless vainer lurks the heart of a true monster. You know, I bet he stole his own grandmother’s walker so he could have walker/shopping cart races with all his lame friends. He should be avoided at all costs.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Man, is “E-Bow the Letter” the best R.E.M. song or what? Yeah, it might not have sold as well as, “Man On The Moon,” but much like you, it’s a diamond in the rough, so to speak. Everyone knows that you’re there, but only the truly intelligent have taken the time to discover the wonder that lies within.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ve been waiting for some time to finally relax and let go, and while you do have a little extra work to cover, this might be just that week. Find some old friends, or make new friends from old places. The key is to just enjoy the days as the come, because they are a great deal shorter this time of year.
Capricorn Dec. (22 – Jan. 19)
Hey, Capricorn, what are you doing!? Don’t you see it says, “No Parking!” While you usually break the small rules, all those little indiscretions will start to add up this week when you finally get caught doing something that you shouldn’t be doing. Keep your eyes open, because chances are you won’t even know you’re doing wrong until you’ve done it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Of course Nerds are just about the best tasting candy in the western world, but as the old adage goes, “You are what you eat.” Lay off the sweets and get your hands on something more substantial. Hopefully you’re subtle enough to realize I’m talking about your body and your soul…
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
While Aquarius has just been told to lay off the Nerds, I’m gonna let all you Pisces in on something. Nerd Blizzards from Dairy Queen are the greatest single sensory experience that can be purchased legally in the continental forty-eight states.
Your local DQ doesn’t carry Nerds, you say? Then bring your own. It’s time you acted like a mover and a shaker.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Hopefully, you remembered to vote this past week. If you did, then more power to ya. If not, you’d better get involved with some sort of social service organization, because it’s non-voting people like you who facilitate the decay of democracy and the exploitation of the working class, you uninvolved thug.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Yeah, fall might be off to a slow start, but your ability to rule isn’t suffering in the least. Leaves are changing, and the days are shorter, but your still king of the hill. Of course, you’re so down to earth that you’d never let your awesomeness go to your head, but even if you did, you’d still be ultra-cool.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Do you remember that time when you were really nice, polite, courteous, caring, selfless and non-judgmental? Yeah, well, neither do I. You’d better get your act together, Gemini, because a lot of people are discovering they have developed a genuine distaste for your self-absorbed lethargic attempts at friendship.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
It is very important that you be polite to your co-workers this week. Sure, they might smell bad, have horrible psoriasis, and even steal your funny stories to tell other office dwellers, but think nothing of it. Creating a civil environment will allow everyone, including yourself, to be a great deal more comfortable.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
There’s thrift chic, and then there is just plain and worn out. It’s time you but down those crappy hipster magazines and decide on something for yourself. You’re a great deal smarter than you give yourself credit for, but no one will ever know if you continue to act like a complete automaton.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You guys should just keep your mouth shut, you know? The new season of 24 is gonna rule, and you know it. Just ’cause your jealous you’ve missed the last two doesn’t mean you have to give your neighbors maximum ‘tude. Just sit back, watch and enjoy.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org