Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
After a brief but restful break, it’s time to keep on breakin’. School isn’t really that big of a deal is it? Why not take your Spring Break in the winter, and then again in the spring? Sometimes a little lack of focus lets you take in the bigger picture.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Do you remember that Nirvana song? You know, the one where he goes, “She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak?” What the hell does that mean? It’s been bothering me since, like, sixth grade. Figured you’d be the sign to ask. Anyway, your week’s just so-so, don’t know what else to tell ya.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
While it might be Primary Season in the political world, in the land of the Aries, it’s primarily the season for rockin’ out! Turn it up to 10 this week by letting those around you know that you’re loud and proud. Show yourself off, and don’t back down if you’re given guff.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Yep, new year, new semester, new classes, new season of American Idol, but still the same high ruling style from the Taurus camp. Not that you need to be told, but this week is going to be another winner.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Ignorance is one of your strong suits, I must say. Why are you so belligerent to those in your life when you obviously have no idea what you’re talking about? If you really want to show your quick wit, you should shut your mouth in a more expedient manner in the future.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
It would seem that you’re one of those people who thinks they can just walk all over others without even the slightest hint of care or remorse. But be warned, for this week is the week of sweet revenge, and you’re topping the list, baby. You should work hard at making amends with old friends in the next few days.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
The year might seem like it’s off to a slow start, but look at it this way: By the time you have your next birthday, you’ll have already seen Spider-Man 2. Now, won’t that make the next six months a little easier to bear?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Here’s an idea I’ll give to you for free, Virgo: You should contact Apple and pitch genre-centric colors for those new mini iPods. You know, like Meathead Maroon for metal fans, Blingin’ Beige for the hip-hoppers, and I Can’t Believe You Never Heard of Gang of Four Fuschia for the indie kids. I’m sure they’ll go for it.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
I think that the duel should be brought back into practice. For Real. Some hoodwink is all up in your grill? Grab a glove and slap it to it. Some boy you’re seeing trying to jive with another lady? Well, you know what you’ve got to do. A duel will force cowards to step up and grow a set which, quite frankly, they sometimes need to, you know?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You know that horrible feeling, when you’re playing Mario Kart Double Dash, and you’re in the lead, totally blasting away all the other racers, (even that goober in the bullet car), only to have it all taken away by some jerk with a blue shell!? And you can’t catch up because your cart has no acceleration? It’s a bad feeling, isn’t it? Try to have some acceleration this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Ah, 24 is back on after a week off. I feel better, don’t you?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
It’s true that cursing is a sign of ignorance, so next time someone accuses you of being a sluttish brute, you should consider a long drawn-out plan of slow revenge as opposed to cursing them out. It’ll do you good in the long run.
Bobby Astronimcal can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org