Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
So, maybe you won’t find love this week, but who cares? Cupid’s just a fat kid who could never make friends, so now he has to shoot them with crazy rufed-up arrows. And I don’t even think he’s potty trained! So, yeah, don’t sweat; Valentine’s Day is for suckas.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
When it comes to gifts for that special someone, nothing says, “I care,” more than a Waterlet. Modern, classy, forward thinking, it’ll keep you and your loved one from ever feeling less than fresh…
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
It would seem that you are the anomaly this week, Aries, because you’re actually set to have a pleasant weekend. Though it may be without a special someone, you’ll find yourself having a great time just the same.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While love is in the air this week, I don’t think I need to tell you which sign will be receiving the most unrequited admiration. That’s right, Taurus, your state of being will be on the lips of all the finest minds this Valentine’s, so don’t worry about feeling lonely. Like that’d ever happen to you, anyway.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
While it might feel good for a moment, your choice of company this Valentine’s Day will ultimately leave you feeling abandoned, alone, ashamed and absolutely vacuous. You should stop letting convenience get in the way of what you know your heart wants.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Ok, I like those little heart candies as much as anyone, but do you notice how now they same things like, “E-mail Me” or “Text Me?” How square is that? Who wants to be e-mailed on Valentine’s? Maybe next year it’ll say crap like, “Friendster Comment Me.” Lame.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
So, I’ve been trying really hard to come up with an awesome joke about how Valentine’s Day has the same abbreviation as venereal disease, but I just can’t make it work…In any case, Leo, be sure you’re careful while looking for love this weekend.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
I hoped that I wouldn’t have to say this, but knowing you, Virgo, I guess it would be best if I did. When you go to pick up your date on Saturday, and she asks where you guys are going, whatever you do, do not say, “I’m taking you on a trip to Pleasureville, baby.” Trust me, that won’t sound as smooth as it does in your head.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Well, it would seem that you’re a lotta talk, Libra. You might think you’re the baddest racer around, but now that your dreams have gone up in a haze of banana peels and red Koopa shells, you’d better be ready to pay up. Happy Valentine’s Day, you second placer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
I know this kid who’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day and that’s sort of a drag. But wouldn’t it be worse if he was born on November 14th, because that would mean he was conceived on Valentine’s Day. Knowing that kinda thing can really screw a kid up.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You know how when you have a pen in your mouth for a while, like in class or something, and the end of it gets filled with all your spit and everything? Well, as sick as that is, it’s not as sick as your Valentine’s Day date. Don’t sell yourself short. Stand that lame-o up.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Valentine’s Day may be about finding new love and nurturing romances of old, but for you, Capricorn, it should be about destructive displays of jealousy. You’ve been burned before, so don’t you think it’s time you burned back?
Bobby Astonomical can be reached at email@example.com