Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
In my one class, I was thinking that maybe life would be better without syllabi. I mean it. All quizzes would be pop, all lessons would be a surprise, and attendance policies would never be stated. Think of all the class you could skip…
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Feats of strength are on the agenda this week, Aries. Terrifying others with your physical prowess is the only surefire way to command respect. Be it eating rocks, juggling cars or just plain old flexing-related garment destruction, make sure the weakers know what’s up.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do you remember that part in Jurassic Park when the cup starts shaking and you realize that the T-Rex is right around the corner? And then goat parts are all over the car? Well, as cool as that was, it still isn’t as cool as a Taurus. Way to rule week after week.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Just so you know, Gemini, lying not only hurts those around you, but also makes you look like a tool when you’re found out. Everyone knows you’re a ruby schlub, so why even bother covering it up with lies?
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Do you ever have that horrible dream where suddenly all your high school teachers are profs at Temple, and you realize that for the last fifteen plus years, you’ve managed to maintain the same meager social standing, despite all the work and pain you’ve gone through? Yeah, that dream’s a killer, ain’t it, Cancer?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Man, Leo, if you started a band, it would have to be called Jerks Galore, because you have been a real creep to your pals as of late. Loosen up and be nice for a change.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Even though last weekend was one for lovers, be on the lookout for that special someone this week, Virgo. So what if they have taken legal action against you in the past? It’s only stalking if you know where they are.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Aw, crimey! I realized that I still don’t have all my textbooks, even though it’s like, the fourth week of school. Anyway, I asked my Libra pals for some cash, and I wish I could say I was shocked that they didn’t pony up the dough. Be more generous this week, Libra.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Did you ever notice how the subway stop at Broad and Chestnut smells like human business worse than any other does? And it’s the one right under the Ritz…Sort of ironic to the point of annoyance, wouldn’t you say, Scorpio?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Hey, did you know that Keifer Sutherland is a Sagittarius? That’s right! Jack effing Bauer it a Sag! Score: Sagittarius One, Evil Multi-ethnic transcontinental terrorist groups Zero!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
The other day, a Capricorn complained that there isn’t enough real astrology in the horoscopes, so here you go: It would seem that Capricorn’s are an earth-based feminine sign. So, try not to hug too many trees this week, you sissies.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
If there’s one thing I loathe more than any other, it’s Jock-Os. You know, those guys who act like they know everything there is to know about sports, but can’t even tell you what section 117 at the Linc is like. Total squares. Don’t be that way, this week, Aquarius.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com