Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Oh, man oh, man, oh, man! Just one more day of class until Spring Break! Just try to have a bit more fun this time. As awesome as it was, another five-day pajama-clad Metroid marathon just doesn’t have the same cool it did last year.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
So, I just thought I’d let you know, no matter what any of your over-hip Pitchfork.com reading dorm pals might tell you, Bossanova is a million times better than Doolittle. “Rock Music,” would kick their, “Hey,” lovin’ ass any day of the week!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You know, I looked up Taurus in the dictionary…Check it out: “Tau*rus n. 1: expressive of awe 2 a: inspiring awe b: terrific, extraordinary” Yeah, that sounds about right to me. Way to be awesome this week Taurus.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
You know, as hard as I try to broaden my definition of “human emotion,” I can’t even come close to enacting an ideal large enough to encompass the cold, callous and all around malicious attitude you call your feelings. I know that it might be impossible for you to actually feel an affinity with another living creature, but couldn’t you at least fake it?
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Hey, you know when you see your favorite collegiate astrologer walking around the ‘hood? Yeah, well, next time it happens, stop and say, “Hi,” to him! You might think you’re the coolest thing since dry ice, but I know better. Remember, manners make the world go ’round. Got it?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Hey! You Leos better watch out. Your fellow sign member Sean Penn stole that Oscar from Bill Murray, and his Virgo buddies are not happy at all. You think that a set of squinty little eyes and Madonna’s phone number is enough for an Oscar!? Be on your guard, because Dr. Venkmen’s crew is out for justice.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Just a word to the wise this Spring Break: While traveling through foreign lands, be sure to keep an eye out for the Chupacabra. He’s a wiley little creepo that hangs out in the woods and eats goats and stuff. Gross, eh?
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Do you remember that show The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.? Well, it ruled about as hard as your week is going to. Just sit back, get ready for spring break, catch a scorpion, and enjoy a change of scenery.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
I think that maybe you should try to be a bit less selfish this week, Scorpio. You’re like that professor who lets students e-mail papers, but still wants a hard copy. Just print it yourself, alright?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Even though there is some international flavor in the horoscopes this week, you’re going to have to be homebound for quite sometime. To much travel keeps your mind from focusing, and now that the end the semester is almost in sight, attention is what you need.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
There are only two things worse than a Billy Joel song. One is a Billy Joel song as sung on American Idol, and the other is your week this week. Get ready for a rough few days, Capricorn.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
While I was honing my astrological skills, I spent some time in Poland under the tutelage of a wise master horoscopist. Now, it was weird, because he only ever wrote ‘scopes for Aquarius. But what was even weirder was that they always said, “Otrzymuja siebie Libra.” I never did find out what that meant, or if it actually made any sense…
Bobby Astro can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org