Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Remember in grade school, when your teacher would tell you that March came in like a lion and went out like a lamb? Well, reverse that this week, Aries. It’s time for you to get fierce about your business.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ah, Taurus, what can be said that hasn’t been said? Consummate humor and scathing insight, impeccable grooming and kick-ass posture. Look forward to another week of ruling, my mane-flaunting friends.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I saw Dawn of the Dead on Sunday, and I didn’t know it was about zombies until someone told me! With all the brainless, ill-tempered, pungently odored folk running around, I thought it was about Geminis. Try to be a bit more civilized this week, so that others don’t make the same mistake.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Your week will be seven days long. Three of those days will be good, three will be bad, but one day will be a Wildcard round of zany misadventures. Don’t waste it on lame stuff like you usually do!
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
When you go to get your hair cut this week, pay attention to your stylist’s reaction. If they laugh at you when you try to explain what you want, I suggest you leave immediately.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
I’ve heard that there might be some good weather this week, and you know what that means…COOKOUT! Get your apron and your sauce brush, because if it’s not BBQ it just won’t do!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Bob Effing! Dylan is coming to town this week, and I really think you should listen to that killer tune of his, “Don’t Think Twice.” As near as I can tell, it’s about some goober bringing you down, but forgiving them just the same. Maybe you should try a little of that this week.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
So, I scored this sweet bendable scorpion toy last week, but it’s already wearin’ out! Much like his human counterparts, L’il Scorpy is very cool on the surface, but lacked a certain level of stamina. Try to keep up with your efforts so that you aren’t tossed aside this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This is the week where you finally let that special someone know what’s up…What? Oh, you’re sick! I didn’t mean it like that…Anyway, be honest and open, and you might just get what you want.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
So an Ex is rubbing your face in their new conquests? Don’t get played, Capricorn. Someone’s taking advantage of your friendship and now is the time to sever all ties. Who wants dead weight during the coming of spring?
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
I know I already said this, but just to reiterate, Bob Dylan is playing all over Philly this week and you should pay attention to his song “Positively 4th Street.” It’s all about someone who is a complete jerk and, well, that’s what you are this week. Try to be nicer from now on.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Now that the Vet’s gone, it looks like there is a cool post apocalyptic war zone in South Philly. I think you should get started on making one of those awesome Mad Max-looking tanks and claim the rubble as a sovereign nation. You could call it Piscestan, or The Pisces People’s Republic.