It always happens when you least expect it, especially when you’re forgetful like I am. You already have a 10-page paper on Bobcat Goldthwait’s relationship with Nikki Cox due tomorrow. On the same day you have a 12-minute presentation on your Uncle Lester, who served in Desert Storm as an outhouse cleaner.
Work calls and needs you to come in tonight because Eugene is sick. After all, you are the only other person who can fit in the Chuck E. Cheese costume.
There aren’t enough hours in the day for you to get everything done, but there are enough hours in the night! The solution is simple: it’s time for you to pull an all-nighter.
It’s a coming-of-age experience most college students go through at some point in their lives. According to my completely nonsensical statistics, more than 92 percent of all Temple students have pulled an all-nighter at some point. It may seem like a daunting task to stay awake and focused all night long, but it’s really not that hard. If you just follow my simple checklist, you’ll get through it with the greatest of ease.
First, you should try to find a friend to stay up with you. It really beats the drowsy monotony of a one-man (or woman) session.
There’s definitely someone you know out there who has procrastinated as much as you have this week. Once you find a slacker of your choice who agrees to accompany you into the night, it’s time to stock up on supplies.
The local convenience store should have everything you need. Depending on your level of fatigue, an energy drink might be required. Skip that eight-ounce Red Bull garbage and go straight for the 24-ounce BooKoo if it’s available. This can of delicious berry or citrus-flavored carbonation provides about 5,000 percent of your recommended daily vitamin intake.
Pound it down at the beginning of the night and not only will you stay up, but your heart will dance irregularly for days. Pick up some sunflower seeds too. They’re an active snack and will keep you in the game.
Same with Dunkaroos.
Once you’ve got your spot in the computer
lab or setting of your choice and snacks at arm’s reach, what can you do to combat the inevitable bore of the nocturnal hours? You can’t be expected to work straight through, could you? No, of course not. I know the type of person you are.
To keep yourself fresh and non-suicidal, take a break every half hour to an hour, and watch some funny cat videos on YouTube.com. It doesn’t matter if you like cats or not. The one where the cat jumps across the counter and slips off with a toaster landing on its head post-fall is a good view for everyone. It also helps if you have a football and it’s warm enough to go outside.
Take five minutes off to play a little Montana-to-Rice, Hail Mary catch, or if your partner can’t throw, play the alternate version: Aaron Brooks-to-Lamont Jordan short toss. That should wake you up.
The day after is difficult, very difficult. You’ll feel like Gary Busey after a five-day coke binge – tired, lethargic and praying for death. All you have to do is make it through the day and you’ll be rewarded with a 7 p.m. to 11 a.m. round of shuteye, unless you forgot to study for that midterm you have the next day. If you don’t get to sleep it off, at least one thing should keep your spirits up: You’re not Gary Busey. Just keep telling yourself that.
Mike Gleeson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.