I had my riot helmet and green-man suit sitting on top of the TV so they would be within reach if the Phillies won the series. My friends and I were speculating as to what we would see our fellow drunk Phillies fans do this year in terms of rioting.
Last year I saw cars being flipped, stoplights being torn from the ground, windows being broken and dumpsters being torched while an ocean of complete strangers embraced each other in total excitement. It was a wonderfully reckless scene of celebration and debauchery. The Discovery Channel placed us second on their list of “worst riots.” That was only one of the things Philly had to brag about that year.
We had a little taste of victory last year, and if we had won this year, it would have been worse (or better, depending on how you planned on celebrating). But what’s in store for us now? No parade? No late-night stumble to Pat’s Steaks? No green-men? I guess if there were going to be any riots this year, they would have been out of anger.
If you’re like any other red-blooded Philadelphian, you hate to hear the words, “Well, there’s always next year.”
But we want our celebration now. So how do we do it? I propose one of the following ideas:
Travel to New York and crash their parade: What better way to get back at the city who took our dreams away than to show up to New York, let them know we’re angry, and riot in their city? It would certainly let them know that we’re ready for next season, if not confuse or startle them. I hear the rioting in New York is fantastic this time of year.
Go to more Eagles or Flyers games: If we’re going to do any celebrating this year or next year, we have to be prepared. And there’s no better way to practice your public drunkenness skills than to tailgate at a major league sports arena. Everyone there is either ranting about Philadelphia sports in a drunken condition or very well on their way. Go there, and perfect your craft.
Riot Anyway: If there’s one thing Philadelphia is known for, it’s our passion for our teams, whether they win or lose. I’m sure if there were to be news footage of us rioting after we lost the series, the rest of the country would not be surprised one bit. In fact, I bet that they were expecting us to do it anyway, and why let the rest of the country down? If we don’t riot soon, the Yankees have truly won.
So turn that post-season frown upside down and don’t give New York the satisfaction of seeing us upset. Show the Yanks that while they celebrate for the next few days, we’re getting ready for next season right now.
Andrew Alexander can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.