There’s only five weeks until the end of finals and instead of studying the last two months you’ve been smoking at special select places on campus right after you dropped your load off in the library.
Now what are you going to do to bring your grades up? Teachers will tell you to cram for finals, but that’s bullshit. If you got a 10 percent on the midterm and you’ve only been to class once in the last three weeks, there’s really no hope. Luckily, we have Hollywood to show us the way to straight A’s.
You all know the old story of what happens if your roommate happens to have an “accident,” straight A’s for the roommate who didn’t have an “accident.” The easy part is getting rid of them, the hard part is hiding them long enough so that the coppers don’t find you and put you in cell block A where you will no longer have to cram anything, however, some things might get crammed into you.
So, where are some good places to hide the body at Temple? First place would be in the small garden across the street from Paley that has the huge head in it. Unfortunately, after some digging, you might find the body of university founder Russell Conwell, at least according to popular rumor. In which case you will have to get rid of two bodies and there’s really no need for that.
That leaves us with very little soft ground to dig in, but that’s okay, because everyone would notice a four by six, newly dug hole in the ground.
One “famous” businessman from campus gave me a tip on another good place to stash the body. He informed me that the dirt lot has, in the past, had cars parked there for years that never moved. You figure if the body doesn’t stink till it gets hot, you’ve got at least fifteen to thirty days to make up an alibi to feed investigators. Problem with this is that you have to find a car, which involves getting into grand theft auto. Unless you use your own, but this would make you an idiot who really deserves to fail out of college.
Another option would be to eat it. Let’s face it, there are more people on Earth than ever before. We should just start eating each other.
Plus, if you spend all your money on buds and latex, then you need some extra spending money. By eating the evidence, you will have free meals for anywhere from six to ten days. Maybe even more if you know how to skin and gut them properly.
Anyone in any capacity of authority who is reading this should know that the article is not promoting murder in any way. It should only serve as a resource for anyone who might find themselves in the situation of needing to dispose of a “problem,” but they should still feel free to drop their loads off at Paley and let off some steam once in a while.
Dropping your load a little more will probably keep you from ever wanting to “murder” anyone else and what a wonderful world it would be.