SAG awards insanity

Award Season: Round Two. The Screen Actor’s Guild Awards is always an exciting time – we’re all fresh from the Golden Globes, about to find out the Oscar Nominations, and stuck in between is a bizarre, cordial little broadcast on some obscure cable network (this year TBS).

Who are the folks propping up this mysterious guild? Why is that trophy so oppressive and heavy? Do we really want to sit and watch a bunch of actors congratulate one another on being millionaires and soaking up free booze?

F#@* yes!

Red Carpet on E! with the insufferable Ryan Seacrest. This time around E! axed controversial correspondent (and the best damn thing to happen to red carpet reporting since Joan Rivers’ 18th face lift) Isaac Mizrahi. We were left with Seacrest pretending to have every A-list actor on his BlackBerry and wholly annoying chatter about how hot ponytails were amongst the stars.

Whatever, Gaycrest. Stick to what you know: introducing Randy, Paula and Simon. Trends besides poooonytails included purple gowns (Desperate ladies Eva Longoria, Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman and Alfre Woodard looked like extras from a Madonna video in the girly lilac hues), vintage jewels (Charlize Theron and Ellen Pompeo in some choice baubles) and drunk, incoherent TelePrompTer reading (you know who you are, Catherine Keener and Heath Ledger).

The usual suspects took home the goods: Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote, Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line. The most memorable speech came from S. Epatha Merkerson, in her third award win this season, in which she gave a rousing “public thank you to my divorce lawyer.”

The telecast was short and sweet, a tidy two hours in which the Guild honored the most remarkable of their peers over 2005, remembered those passed (Anne Bancroft!) and celebrated Shirley Temple-Black for both her film career and humanitarian efforts.

Nothing gets Dirt going like a nice wedding, and for the Jolie-Pitts, stocking a wedding party will be like casting the next Oceans 11 sequel. London-based gossip shlocks Digital Spy report that Guy Richie has agreed to be Pitt’s best man. No Clooney? No Damon? Say it ain’t so. Let’s have a contest – e-mail Dirt with your picks for Angelina’s maid of honor and the winner will get a free collagen boost!

There’s much more to look forward to in the coming weeks, and don’t forget that Oscar nominees are announced today! Ciao bella.

Matt Donnelly can be reached at DirtTheFragrance@yahoo.com.

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