To add to the realness of this debate, Hanukkah Harry adds some Yiddish terms, pronounces words and speaks in a heavy Eastern European accent. Santa and the Easter Bunny speak plain old English!
You have lucked out. For the first time ever, Hanukkah Harry and Santa Claus are running for President of the United States. Something like this normally wouldn’t happen, but since Florida couldn’t make up its mind, these two decided something needed to be done. Tonight, we have a clip of their official debate (as aired on HNN-Holiday News Network) earlier this evening.
The debate’s moderator was Peter E. Cottontail, the Easter Bunny. Mr. Cottontail asked each candidate one question. They had thirty seconds to respond. The opposing candidate was allowed a fifteen-second rebuttal and a fifteen-second closing statement. The first question went to Santa Claus.
EASTER BUNNY: Santa, the state of Florida took more than two weeks to count, recount and hand count all their ballots from the Gore/Bush election. Do you think Florida should be allowed to remain a state in the Union?
SANTA CLAUS: That’s a very good question Mr. Cottontail. I think they should be asked to secede from the union. If a state can’t make up it’s gosh darn mind then I don’t want to go there to deliver toys to young boys and girls for Christmas. If state government can’t make up it’s mind on who our president should be (me of course), then what makes you think that the children, the future of the state can make up their minds on what toys they want! Besides, how am I supposed to go down a chimney in a place so warm that they don’t even have chimneys?
HANUKKAH HARRY: Oy veh! I don’t need a chimney to deliver a present! All I need is a menorah! That’s it. I don’t want to hear Santa vetch about Florida. Let them stay. If a kid can’t make up his mind on what he wants for Hanukkah then let him have everything! Toys for everybody!
EASTER BUNNY: Hanukkah Harry, the basic understanding is that Jewish children get gifts each of the eight nights of Hanukkah. Christian girls and boys only get gifts on Christmas morning. How does this policy ensure an equal amount of gifts are given to all children?
HANUKKAH HARRY: This is a good question Peter-le. Ya see now, I have to work my tuchas off for eight days schlepping presents around the world to all the Jewish children. But this leaves me a bit of a buffer zone. Because if I can’t make it to a house one night then I can give the children double the gifts the last night… except on the last night. Then I really need to be on time. Travelling around for eight nights also allows me to schlep a lighter load since the gift giving is spread out. Santa only has one shot at his rounds. If he messes up, or gets sick, then I have to take over for him. Besides, his sled is a much heavier load!
SANTA: That’s fuzzy math I tell you. Fuzzy math…
EASTER BUNNY: With that in mind, it’s now time for closing arguments. Each argument is limited to fifteen seconds. Santa, since you had the first question, Hanukkah Harry will go first.
HANUKKAH HARRY: I think I should be your next president because I can deliver
gifts for eight straight nights with or without a chimney. Thank you Temple University for your time and remember, vote for me, Hanukkah Harry to be your first Jewish President!
SANTA CLAUS: I like Christmas just the way it is, and you should too. My father
did also. But my father was never president. Snow, rain deer, chimneys, they are all essential to the holiday season. Florida needs to go because there is no snow and I only need one night to deliver gifts. I never get sick. That’s why I should be your next president.
EASTER BUNNY: Thank you very much, gentlemen. Good luck to both of you.