I was going to write something witty, fresh, biting. Something that would let you all know I’m back and the world is safe again for spicy gossip. However, the evil creators of the RPC virus and the inept staff of Microsoft have made this impossible. I’ve fallen victim to a vicious virus and have had to transplant all my personal files onto several sad memory keys. Daddy is not well. Regardless, the time has come to send you into the Tinsel Town trenches-below lay your ammunition to this year’s trends, themes and white hot gossip.
Desperate not a derogative
DHW. Remember those initials. They represent the show of your dreams. Desperate Housewives is where you want to be, guilty pleasure and all. This little-soap-that-could was turned down by virtually everyone. The near-extinct ABC gave it an hour in primetime and history was made. It simply has to be the biggest amateur hit in a decade. Three episodes out the gate and it was the second most popular show TV. The ferocious foxes of Wisteria Lane will ride high in 2005, so keep abreast with the plot. You don’t want to be the only one at Pilates who doesn’t know what Edie did this week.
Reflection is over
It’s a new year, and the only place we need reflection is in the mirror. With the absolute failure of bio flicks like Alexander and Kevin Spacey’s horrifying turn as Bobby Darin in Beyond the Sea, the tides are telling us to look ahead. Stop revisiting past giants, Hollywood, and start creating your own (aside from Harvey Weinstein…Harv, if you’re reading, call me). Perhaps The Aviator won Best Picture-Drama at the Golden Globes. Please don’t beat the biographical horse; I was just getting over the comic book craze (which is still spewing hay).
Ben and Jerry understand
It’s breakup time. We’re going to have the worries for a while. Brad and Jen, I’ll do it again, say it ain’t so! Now where does the rest of the human population turn for an evolutionary model? How will we know how to track our species if not by your example? Can we no longer huddle ’round your cool flame and feel the love of the only couple in two generations certain to spawn the most beautiful child on earth? Damn you, both of you. I’m not ready for this. I’ll have a Paxil and a nap and get back to you. Readers, be prepared for gut-wrenching divorce proceedings as the year presses on… conveniently synchronized with the release of their respective films: Jen’s Rumor Has It and Brad’s Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Grab a spoon and some sweatpants, Mary Kate and Ashley are next.
Word of the Week
Something new I’m trying. Let me know how you’re liking it. Now that I’ve laid out some of this year’s themes, running stories and cultural phenomena, it’s time to get your buzz words going. Try this on: Tsulebrity. A Tsulebrity is one that unselfishly donates his/her time to participating in telethons or in extraordinary cases, like Sandra Bullock’s $1 million donation, giving from their own stash for natural disasters. The Tsulebrity loves world peace, the Red Cross, the iPod mini and reading “Dirt.” Maybe. Regardless, it’s nice to see Hollywood rally in support of others.
Matt Donnelly can be reached at email@example.com.