All across Main Campus, students trot around, blissfully unaware of how offensive their appearance is to the right eyes. Unfortunately for me, I happen to have some of those right eyes. But fret not. For I have chosen to take to my soapbox and illustrate the errors of your ways.
What, exactly, are my qualifications for doing so? Take a quick look to the left of this text. See that headshot? All the qualifications I need, right?
That picture has been described to me as “very Abercrombie.” Do you think that happened by accident? Do you? Because I was kind of looking for an incidental look and I want to know if I nailed it.
Clearly, I know what it takes to maximize physical potential. And, for a limited time, I am going to be passing this knowledge on to you free of charge.
Of course, when you’re talking about maintaining a striking physical presence at all times, the topic of the gym has to come up. But I’m not going to get caught up in the actual “working out” part. No, I’m more concerned with what you look like when you get there.
Some people seem to think it’s acceptable to show up in some bargain-bin shorts and a plain T-shirt. How cute. If you want people to notice how elegant your stride is or how many reps you’re doing, then those bargain-bin shorts and T-shirts better have Nike symbols on them.
And definitely be careful when purchasing shoes for the gym. Shoe salesmen are notorious for trying to distract you from the important criteria. They’ll often try to tell you about the “features and benefits” when we all know the important things are the logo on the side and the colors.
Once you’re done making sure your muscles are the best representation they can be, it’s time to turn your attention to your most important accessory.
Taking care of your skin has to start with making sure it’s just the right color. When it comes to tanning beds, whoever said “everything in moderation” obviously suffered from a ghastly pallor.
That’s right. You can never spend enough time in one of those beds. And don’t just go in to get a little color. Whatever the equivalent to 11 is in those things, crank it up to that. I believe it might be burnt sienna.
Of course, there are those who bring up the possible health hazards of tanning beds. “It increases the chances you’ll get melanoma,” they all shout in unison at anyone who’s just trying to get a healthy glow. Maybe they have a point.
But then again, have you seen some of those people? Pale as anything. Clearly, that makes them a bias source of information. Can you really trust studies perpetuated by Big Pasty?
Not to mention that they conveniently forget to mention the potential health benefits. Namely that it makes you look healthy. If a consequence of looking healthy is getting cancer, well that sounds like a fair trade-off to me.
Now some of you may be strapped for time.
“I don’t have time for that,” you’re probably exclaiming. “I have tons of homework. Am I to suffer just because I care about doing well in school?”
I’m glad you asked. Luckily for you, there is a way out. Spray tanning. It’s a far shorter method to get similar results. Plus, you can bring your homework with you. Once it’s covered in disgusting orange paste, use that as an excuse why you didn’t do your homework.
So now you’re looking ripped and toned and your skin is being described as “vibrantly orange.” It’s time to talk about making sure you’re dressed to kill.
Which brings me to a question: What’s with the sloppy classroom attire? Some people seem to think it’s perfectly all right to go to class in pajamas. Worse yet, they think it’s OK to go to class in pajamas that they got from Wal-Mart. How are you supposed to impress your professor and peers if you didn’t even have the decency to put on your designer sweatpants?
Finally, we come to the biggest concern of all for the image-minded college students: the social media profile picture.
You can have hundreds of photos on your profile, but only one of them will come to represent the entirety of your online being. It needs to be something that says a million things about you, like that you’re just naturally cool, quirky and stylish. It’s something that takes incredible amounts of meticulous planning and thought.
There are no shortcuts to a good profile picture. My best advice is just to appreciate the mammoth implications of your choice and select, crop and post accordingly. If you’re looking for more tips, I’d advise you to go back to my headshot and start taking notes vigorously.
Zack Scott can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @ZackScott11.