I’ve been collecting wrinkles lately. It’s a condition you have to work long and hard at to earn.
I’m kind of on a power trip about it. You have to exert an enormous, tremendous amount of effort to crease new caverns in your own skin.
Maybe I’ll end up looking dignified with age, like when news anchors sport gray hair and the subsequent respect they receive due only to their a ripened appearance parallels Ph.D.s.
I think the wrinkles are the result of a combination of things: starting a new relationship, buying a house, graduating from college, keeping up with my jobs, remembering to feed my guinea pig. All this stress is weighty. Then I have to worry about yanking all of you from the depths of erotic uncertainty. Someone buy me a drink? I’ve got it bad. All these luxury problems.
I forget amid the mayhem that in four fleeting weeks I’ll be on my couch scratching my left cheek and trying to fill the void of time before me with belching contests and Scrabble tournaments. This little space will be someone else’s responsibility. But whose?
Mikey and I just realized we only have two issues left to design (rapture!), and he said, “Hey, who’s gonna take over for you?”
“That’s a very good column topic masquerading as a question,” I told him. Everyone got stuck with me (or I with you, depending on perspective). I have no one against whom I can judge my track record. Someone has to take over for me – lucky chuuuuuuuum … p. What are the criteria?
I thought perhaps I’d comment as a reader and not as a writer, and perhaps not even rationally. Come, friends, and journey with me into the realm of dreams and fantasies as I choose for you (and me) the qualities of The Temple News’ next sex columnist. And I let the whole editorial staff join in.
1) Photogenic. Head shots are very important. As a designer, I’m always worried about visuals first and foremost. I don’t want a model, but you better have a good “O” face on command if the topic demands it.
2) You should have slept with at least six people more than I have, or have been in equally as psychotic relationships so you have a wide range of episodes to choose from in giving advice. We all know the rule of three when it comes to partners, so I gave both sides sufficient Leigh way.
3) You should enjoy reading and asking questions. You will be doing a lot of it.
4) Be open to anything. This topic warrants that.
5) Have thick skin. You’ll need it to defend yourself against other people’s retaliation.
6) Most importantly, have a good sense of humor about yourself. It makes things much more comfortable. Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the greatest gifts in life.
Because I constantly draw from them, I decided to give back and let the staff weigh in. I asked them, “What would you like to see in the next sex columnist?” Here are their answers:
Colin (Photo Editor)
“Knowledge and integrity, plus loads of experience in different positions. And a bisexual perspective. I’d like a 360-degree picture.”
Colin Lenton, ladies and gentlemen. Playboy’s next centerfold photographer. There is much underlying truth to this, however.
As I’m pretty hegemonic, I haven’t covered topics like gay sex and relationships, transgender, marriage, more liberal sexual behaviors like anal sex or swinging, masturbation, sexual addiction, bestiality, sex with fruit salad, the list goes on … These would be good places to pick up for someone with more balls than I have. Those would be sizeable.
Sammy (O & A Editor)
“More personal sexcapades stories. A complete lack of inhibition.”
FYI, Sammy recently voiced her support for Paris Hilton for president. I feel like you’ve learned more about me than most people write in their diaries. Mine just happens to print in a major collegiate newspaper.
Max (Photo Editor)
“Be able to identify all types of VD, and able to unhook a bra with one hand.”
He’ll need those directions complete with paint-by-numbers diagram. I don’t have any medical or even pschycological training. All my advice is just my opinion based on research you could do yourself. Shame of it is, sometimes bio majors don’t make the best columnists. I hope someone proves me wrong.
Brandon (Editor in chief)
This was then echoed by the rest of the boys in the room. I agree.
Mike (Sports Designer)
“They should be able to talk in funny voices and … I dunno … be a sex columnist.”
That’s why we keep him on the production end. I don’t know what to say in response to that.
Emily (News Editor)
“More than anything, I would like her [him] to be open-minded. I think that is the key when it comes to anything having to do with sexuality.”
Stick that in your five W’s and smoke it. Emily tends to give it to you straight and logically. Can’t argue with that.
Vito (Sports Editor)
“Uhh, I don’t know, can I e-mail you about it later?”
He’s still exhausted from putting together the tremendous (in work and product) Chaney retirement pullout. He did manage to add “vigor,” but not necessarily enthusiastically. It is, however, very important to respond to readers, which typically is via e-mail. You should consider yourself responsible for your words and be able to support them.
Steve (Copy Editor)
Reber (News Designer)
Sadly, neither of these responses surprised any of us.
All jokes aside, The Temple News needs a sex columnist to replace me. If you are interested, e-mail me.
Nadia Stadnycki can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.