Sky-high lust

How to make your trip to the airport more memorable.

Cruising men at the airport is like picking out a car at the used car lot. Together, they look like a smorgasbord of hot buys at a lucrative discount. But once you drive the vehicle off the lot and have it all by its lonesome, it quickly becomes lackluster.

The same goes for men willing to hook up at the airport. You can assume that if a man is willing to attempt a private move in such a public space, you can only imagine who else has “test driven” him, unless of course, you score a model that’s barely used. Jackpot.

You can’t very well make whoopee in the airport broom closet without displaying some powers of seduction first.

Let’s take this step-by-step.

First: Get checked in and go through security before trying to snag your trick. And for Pete’s sake, undressing for Homeland Security doesn’t count as a steamy striptease.

Second: Once security’s released you into the Serengeti of terminals and moving sidewalks, you’re free to hunt. Now, set up camp where traffic is heavy or prowl about the terminals for your prey.

It is very important that you’re aware of a few but perilous pitfalls that may bring your happy hunting to an abrupt halt.

The Bar – If the hunt isn’t faring well, the bar is the last place you want to be. Alcohol is the unassuming trickster that endows its imbibers with an appetite for mischief and misrule. All of a sudden, you have no prejudices laying one on the handsome chap in the corner happily chatting with his fiancé or striking up a conversation with an airport security officer, asking him if he might “check your pipes for bombs.” Altogether, the bar is a bad idea.

The Restroom – Oh boy. Don’t pull a Larry Craig. Airport restrooms have the highest concentration of traffic out of any other public restrooms known to man. Any illicit activity will be ipso facto for the viewing pleasure of the public. Lastly, airport bathrooms are glory-hole free, so don’t waste your time looking. My advice is to use the bathroom the way the good Lord intended for you to use it and not as your personal cruising grounds.

Photo Illustration Zach Miley/TTN

OK. Now it’s time to track down your prey.

Once you’ve designated your target, it’s time to put those womanly and manly wiles to work.

Every good hunter knows to employ different strategies for capturing game. In the case of cruising men at the airport, I discourage those tactics likening to the brazen lion but advocate those of the lantern fish, the succubus of the briny deep. Like his phosphorescent lure, you must use your powers of seduction to entice your prey into sexual rhapsody.

It’s best to wait until your prey ceases wandering before moving in for the kill. Preferably, you want to position yourself within close proximity and visible range. For example, if your prey is sitting at one of the gates, pull up next to or right across from him.

Once you’re in position, use whatever gambits come naturally. Personally, I favor the smoky eye. It says “Well hello, stranger” and “Come hither,” all in the same look. Of course, you’re welcome to an indirect approach such as remarking on a particular topic you believe the two of you might share in common like his clothing, choice of electronics or current events. But other more effective expedients might be in order if time is an issue.

Once you’ve got his attention, reiterate your intentions by occasionally leaning in ever so gingerly when you speak. Place your hands on his shoulders when uttering a well-phrased innuendo, and then, hold a stare until it clicks. Be sure to stand your ground: keep flashing those salacious glances. But remember – confidence is sexy, pushiness is desperate.

Hopefully, he’s expressed that his interests are yours. All that’s standing now between you and a great story about how you single-handedly orchestrated an airport hookup is ascertaining the whereabouts of private quarters. I hate to admit it, but airport mating grounds have shrunken to practically nil ever since homeland security beefed up airport security. Oh well, the important thing is you had fun, right?

Next time, why don’t you try hooking up in a more doable location, huh? You big dummy.

Aaron Stella can be reached at

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