That’s not my G-spot.
Most women have probably had this thought shoot through their minds at least once during a sexual rendezvous, but begrudgingly bit their lip. And it wasn’t in pleasure.
Conversely, most men are as resistant to stop and ask for directions in the bedroom as they are on the freeway.
Why is it so difficult to discuss sex?
Most people have no problem pointing out flaws and discrepancies in other areas of the relationship, like the toilet seat being perpetually left up or the inability to appreciate some football on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
But, once the clothes are dropped, so too is the capacity to say, “That is not what I want,” or “You really could be handling that a lot better than you are.”
The fear of bruising your partner’s pride is a big obstacle to satisfying your own needs.
Nobody likes to feel inadequate.
But at the same time, what may seem like protecting your partner is actually preventing you from getting it how you want it.
Look at it this way: If he or she wants you to be happy, he or she is willing to put the effort out.
So, save him or her the trouble and help out a little.
It’s not condemning or criticizing; it’s this convenient little thing called communicating.
Your lips flap, their lips flap, words come out, things get better.
It works like that.
How you communicate is almost as important as the communication itself.
While saying, “Honey, that twisty, tornado-move you do on me feels more like break dancing than love making,” might get your point across, it won’t get your goal achieved.
Decide what you hope to accomplish with the conversation before you get into it, and stick to that.
If you want the twisty tornado-move out of the nightly repertoire, concentrate on that, and not bursting your partner’s confidence bubble. Boost them with suggestions, compliments and support.
If you like a particular activity, tell him.
If you think she’s the best back massager ever, tell her.
There’s no reason that the good shouldn’t come in the same package as the not-so-good.
Make sure you choose the right time, place and circumstances to drop the bomb. Divulging all of your sexual frustrations on the subway ride home or at a Fourth of July barbecue could make for a quiet ride or a lost appetite.
Finally, be ready for some feedback.
As much as you loathe his “seal the deal” move, speaking out might encourage him to finally reveal how much he hates your baby voice.
Listening is the other half of the deal.
Despite the difficulty of learning you’re not the “Baron of the Bedroom,” you’ll ultimately feel better about each other and be able to improve your intimate relationship.
If your lack of innovative bedroom ideas is stifling your creativity as a couple, or you need advice or questions answered, don’t be afraid to seek out help as a couple.
There is a plethora of sex sources at your fingertips, including internet sites (odds are he’ll already be familiar with a few), sex hotlines, classes in human sexuality, book stores and – if you’re desperate – sex columnists with too much time on their hands.
Nadia Stadnycki can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.