Twitter is a lot like my mother. I log in knowing I will find the answers to the questions that life throws at me. My kitchen sink is clogged again? @WomansDay lets me know the quick fix. Capital One is having everyone and their mother call me? My friend shared a link with me about new credit card restrictions.
But, just like my mother, there are some things that I just don’t look to Twitter for. Would I look to my mother for guidance if I spent my last penny on a cab home from school because I wanted to make it home in time to watch Ina on the Food Network? Only if I wanted to die. What I don’t look to Twitter for is live tweeting of events.
Listen, as much as some of you think you have trashy mouths in the same way that the commentators on E! have trashy mouths, you don’t. Stop embarrassing yourself on such a huge platform. I have the trashiest mouth, and yes, I am lame, but not lame enough to tweet about the every move of peeps on the red carpet.
But, I have to admit, as much as I want to punch everyone in the face who tweets about whatever event they are watching on TV because no one invited them to go, the live tweets from classes can be amusing – and just sad.
@PatTakeovaCEO: Jus walked in my first class 5mins late and all the seats are taken should I stay here or walk out… #ItsOnlyThe1stDay
I understand if you walked out, @PatTakeovaCEO. Sometimes the first day is the best day to miss – no awkward icebreakers where you accidentally blurt out that all you like to do is drink and play with your cats. Just because it is the first day of school doesn’t make any of us lesser screw-ups. We all have to walk out sometimes; Lord knows I’ve slipped out the back a few times. And by slipped out the back, I mean ran away like a crybaby because there was a pop quiz.
@ImAGiant2Them: First homework assignment from my Korean teacher. Go home nd when I take a shyt read his syllabus
Excuse me? The one thing I cannot stand is poorly executed bathroom humor. I hope you know that you are sharing your most intimate moment with your Korean teacher. Some people may think that having sex is the most intimate moment, but for you, I am going to assume that taking a dump is the most intimate moment because who would sleep with someone who attempts poop jokes?
@MrForDaLadiez_: Temple really stepped they white girls up this year
Stepping up the game of the white girls on Main Campus must have been part of the 125th anniversary campaign. Go Ann Weaver Hart.
@MrHadouken: Just saw my roommate from Drexel orientation in one of my classes at Temple smh. DU doin everybody dirty huh? #Collegekidsean
Drexel is one fugly campus; even some important college guidebook says so. Temple might be prettier, but don’t think it won’t do you dirty, @MrHadouken. I am dirty because of Temple and its inability to give me my refund check from my loans. I can only find so many quarters in the couch to wash my clothes, and now I am just roughing it. I kept my cool when Student Financial Services told me a cute story about how they “didn’t see my Stafford loan,” but if they think I am keeping my cool if someone tells me I look homeless – again – they are sadly mistaken.
P.S. That is terrible hashtag abuse.
How is this for a live tweet? @SamanthaKrotzer is currently pouring herself a nice stiff drink.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.