I am having a midlife crisis. As of Sunday, I am 22, and since I really don’t anticipate living much past 40, I am allowed to blame all my instability on my lost youth. No one told me that Camel Blues and coffee weren’t exactly parts of the food pyramid. My eyes are shot to hell from tweeting too much, and the only thing I can hear clearly is my mother’s voice in my head telling me I am “so f—ed.”
So, it is no secret that I am old and pissed off about pretty much everything. After years of being polite to grandmas who tell me to comb my hair and take a shower, I am ready to join the ranks. I’ve already got arthritis, so don’t be surprised about the extreme crankiness when it rains, and I am preparing for all-out rage if I miss my TV shows. I will say my comments proud and loud, especially on Twitter. I am old, and all I have is Twitter. Back off – I’ll be gone soon.
My birthday is really leaving me feeling like a dino, but you know what is worse? Rich Cronin from LFO passed away. I was going to use their song “Summer Girls” to launch my lip-syncing pop/rap/dance career. But what is worse than me being prehistoric? And Cronin dying? And the fact that I am not a dancer? The fact that all these toddlers running around the Bell Tower squealing about how hard their general education classes are don’t even know about LFO. What’s next, freshmen who claim they never heard of “Full House”?
@nspmike: So LFO’s Rich Cronin is dead. What did New Kids on the Block having hits having to do with Chinese food making him sick?
He never said they were related – it was a series of lyrics that made him think of summer. If there was a song to describe your summer, the lyrics would probably talk about video games and masturbation. Are those related? For you, yes.
@CallMeQuixotic: So… the lead from LFO is dead… no more summer girls for him.
Obviously. Any summer girls for you ever? Doubt it.
@deciphermusic: Some of their songs are cool. And I got fam who passed from cancer… But cmon, yall really care about homie from LFO?
It’s nice to see you started rationalizing why you might care that Cronin died but, in the end, decided not to give a damn. Why wouldn’t someone care that he died? He wasn’t exactly Hitler.
@YoungSlykk: @MarcusAlford tried to get me to go to a LFO concert last week
Harsh, duder – way, way too soon. Unless you mean an awesome tribute concert, which I don’t think you do. Your username kind of makes you sound like a total “bro,” so I am just assuming that you are one. My bad?
@stevelepore: Chinese food made LFO’s Rich Cronin sick. Unfortunately, leukemia made him sicker. #soniceisaidittwice
I am kind of embarrassed for Twitter because it has so many users who are not clever. When hundreds of people make the same joke about LFO, I think we should be concerned. Maybe more concerned how willing people are to make jokes about leukemia. #sodisgustingIwillreportyoutwicetotwitterforspam
Someone recently told me I look like I want to punch someone in the face. It isn’t a look – it’s just my face. But, if you want me to be honest, I probably do want to punch someone in the face, and it is most likely someone who is talking smack about my boy bands.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.