I’d start off on a positive note and wish everyone a happy New Year’s, but then I remember how much I hate it when people wish me a happy New Years beyond the first week of January. So – just, “Hi,” I guess. It’s the first day of my last semester at Temple. Only a few short months left of hiding my cell phone in my lap so I can secretly tweet in class. Also, only a few short months before potential employers look at my Twitter account and decide I would be the worst possible person to hire.
Before I completely drop off the map and live in a van down by the river, Chris Farley style, I see no point in holding back. I’m just like a kid during the last week of fat camp: I am eating the entire bag of stolen M&M’s, and I am proud of it. This column will be my on-camera, one-on-one confession about how sweet and awesome it makes me feel to point out others’ shortcomings while reflecting on how I suck as a human being – but at least I know proper grammar and Internet etiquette.
We’ve just broken the 2011 seal, and I am already impressed. Something happened in the world that everyone was on board for: the new Zodiac signs. This is one of the few things it seems like everyone – and probably their moms, too – are aware of.
@mdot_22: Wassup wit this changing of the zodiac signs I’m not gone be a Gemi nomore thats sucks
Well, considering the new dates only apply to those born after 2009, you are still a Gemini. At least I think that is what you meant by “Gemi.” It’s understandable your fingers would get too tired to type out the rest of the word – life is hard. Anyway, what really sucks is that you are still a Gemini, the twin sign. The world doesn’t need a double of someone who uses double negatives and thinks the words “going to” and “gone” mean the same thing.
@JeffGreenhouse: What say we add a 13th month, called Novembruary, to match that new 13th #zodiac sign? Simple, right?
Yeah, and let’s add another day to the week and call it Funday! Oh, wait, Doug Funny already tried to do that; you know what happened to Doug? He was demoted to a crappy network that lacked creative power, kind of like you.
@AlyLammers: This just proves celebs are retards “@KimKardashian: Wait the Earth shifted and Zodiac signs have changed? (cont)
At least Kim Kardashian is hot. And she retweets properly, unlike you.
@drumtasticellis: The new zodiac sign is #Ophiuchus. That Sounds like something Drake be tryna shake of his hand when he freestyling!!! #JusSayin
I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I thought it sounded like a sexually transmitted disease.
@kirkofthefleet: anybody that believes in this new zodiac shit is D—HEAD. that is all.
Anybody who takes time out of his life to inform people of something that he allegedly does not care about is a D—HEAD. We can’t even use the correct words to insult others? God help us. @Lord_Voldemort7 wasn’t kidding when he tweeted that tweeters need to learn how to write and offered a link to a trial of Microsoft Office. Spam or not, that fool has a point.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.