Earlier this month, Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan suggested that the United States and Iraq resolve their conflict through a duel.
Obviously, the White House rejected the offer.
The idea is preposterous, but you can’t help imagine what would happen if the United States had agreed.
It would be the fight of the century – Bush vs. Hussein.
I can see it now:
In this corner, we have the United States, represented by President George W. Bush and Vice President Richard B. Cheney.
President Bush is 6 feet and weighs 189 pounds.
He likes capital punishment and small words. His hobbies include starting wars and asking his father for advice.
Vice President Cheney is slightly shorter and much heavier.
His dislikes include heart attacks and stressful situations.
In his spare time, he enjoys hiding in undisclosed locations and avoiding conflict.
In this corner, we have Saddam Hussein and Taha Yassin Ramadan, President and Vice President of Iraq.
Hussein is a Taurus, who enjoys inspiring fear and distrust in Iraqi citizens.
In his spare time, he secretly develops chemical and biological weapons.
Ramadan enjoys putting his foot in his mouth and not thinking before he speaks.
The concept seems fair enough: equal weapons, neutral territory, and United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan as referee.
It’s not like Ramadan suggested a spelling bee.
Since Bush wants to defeat Hussein, what better way than for him to do it himself?
Innocent lives would not be sacrificed. Our reluctant allies would not be involved.
There would also be vast financial opportunities involved in this event.
A duel would cost considerably less than the estimated $9 billion a month that a war would cost.
The event could air on Pay-Per-View, with all proceeds going to boost the economy.
The merchandising alone would bring in millions.
But there would be some concerns.
Looking at the qualifications of those involved, this would not be a fair fight.
Bush is in shape, but a duel would require mental strategy and quick thinking.
Bush would certainly last longer than Cheney – any sudden movement and the vice president would be down for the count.
With Iraq, if Hussein cannot comply with UN weapons inspectors, he probably would not play fairly in a duel. Hussein obviously has anger management issues.
Let him loose with a weapon, and he would be hard to stop.
Also, Iraq has two vice presidents.
How would that work?
No one seems to know if Ramadan was joking about a duel, but he certainly knows that Iraq stands a better chance in a duel than a war.
But compared to Bush’s suggestion of war, Ramadan’s alternative is logical.
At least he is thinking of other ways to resolve the conflict.
Marea Kasten can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org