Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Go home and change right away! Having doubts about one’s outfit is always a sign of a keen fashion sense, but going with the sure thing is a sign of weakness. Show the world you’re strong by putting on your most exhibitionist look this week.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): This week is the week you look out for the most important number, which is the number one. Don’t let any squares and goobers bring you down with their uncanny ability to cramp your style. Tell all your loser pals what you really think. They’ll appreciate the heads up.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): If you are dating a Gemini, now is the time to drop them like a rock. They are probably out making kissy faces with someone else as you’re reading this! It might hurt, but in the end, isn’t having the upper hand emotionally better than being with a Gemini?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Having trouble adjusting to the cold weather is always a pain, but you are having more trouble than most. Just calm down and buy a scarf. Yeah, you’ll look like a weenie, but you will be much warmer now that fall is here to stay.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Trying to preserve the status quo is what matters most this week. Don’t let your friends change. Force them to conform to your ideals. Oh, and if you haven’t already, go out and buy the soundtrack to “Hair: The Musical.” You’ll know why when you hear it.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Social discord will strike this week, but whatever you do, don’t back down. Total Recall is a much better movie than Commando. Even though close friends tell you otherwise, you should try to remove yourself from them as much as possible.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Now that midterms have come and gone, it’s time you got a new hobby, and that hobby is homework, you lazy jerk. Your grades are slipping and you know it. You don’t want to lose your scholarship and end up as the assistant manager of meatpacking and distribution for Turkey Hill Food Marts, do you?
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Question: What’s cooler than cool? Answer: Ice cold or a Taurus. Don’t sweat the small stuff because you’re ruling harder than usual this week. Keep up the good work.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Drop the “Too Cool For School” attitude, you creep. You think you’re so awesome with your bi-polar personality and late spring/early summer birthday, but everyone knows better. And don’t worry, your special Sagittarius already knows…
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22): This week is the week to make all those purchases you’ve been thinking about. The holiday season is right around the corner and your greedy pals and loved ones will have dibs on all your sweet, sweet cash. Spend it while you’ve got it.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Skipping class is the best thing you can do this week. Your professors are never as interesting as the back of your eyelids anyway.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You need to get a new job. The one you have now is lame, and if you don’t have one, that means your poor. The key to advancement is to try a job you’ve never done before. While it would be wrong to condone such action, the more illegal a profession, the better the pay. *wink, wink*
B. Astronomical can be reached at BobbyAstronomicalRules@hotmail.com