When I was younger, all I could think about was growing up, getting older and getting to experience life independently.
My mind was constantly clouded by the desire to be older and live the life I wanted. I longed for the freedom I believed came with age. I looked forward to the idea of independence, meeting new people on my own accord and doing anything I might want to do without the restriction of my parents.
The idea of adulthood felt like a distant, enticing dream – something beyond my reach yet always within my imagination. Every passing year felt like a stepping stone to something greater and more fulfilling, and I could hardly wait to get there.
Now at 19 years old, I’ve realized I took my younger years for granted. All the time I spent yearning for adulthood I could have been enjoying a proper childhood.
I can think back to certain instances, like special occasions or even regular mundane days, and see how these moments that were meant to be special were overshadowed by my desire to grow up.
I remember celebrating my 13th birthday at home with my extended family. From what I can recall, everyone was enjoying their time mingling and catching up with one another, but even though it was my birthday, I felt so disconnected.
Instead of enjoying my party, I was thinking about how my birthday might look at 18 or 21. I was so stuck thinking about what my future might look like that my 13th birthday almost completely passed me by and I’m left with almost no memory of the day.
The feelings of displacement feel very similar to disassociating. I remember the birthday decorations all over the living room and my younger cousins running around playing games, but I zoned out.
Everything went blurry and I got tunnel vision, hyper-fixating on my belief that becoming an adult would bring me the newfound experiences and friends I had been craving.
My family’s conversations turned into background noise as I disassociated. When I think about that day, I question why I couldn’t be present in the moment and enjoy myself.
I was meant to spend those moments fully immersed in the emotions of adolescence, but my head was elsewhere instead. I overlooked the simplicity and fleeting nature of my childhood.
Due to the hardships I’ve faced as a young adult, I’ve started to view my childhood as something I simply took for granted. By the time I got to college, I found myself longing for the innocence of my younger years, like sharing snacks with my childhood friends, the universal parachute in the gym during elementary school and the lack of adult responsibility.
I look back now with a clearer lens and recognize that the only thing I can do now is learn from not appreciating my childhood enough. I have learned that being present and in the moment is more important than one might realize or perceive it to be.
When I’m enjoying myself or doing the things I envisioned my older self doing, I take a moment to be aware and acknowledge that I am in the present. From something as grand as a wedding to something as trivial as just sitting and laughing with my friends, I make sure my head isn’t elsewhere.
Life is something that can pass by in the blink of an eye; it’s a concept that is not in our control. However, the way that we live our lives is something that is in our control. Life is a trial-and-error circumstance. When I experience something, I analyze the situation and learn from it.
I continue to live my life simply attempting to be better from prior experiences. It’s important to understand that people are not their experiences. They are defined by how they choose to respond to them and what they turn them into.
So now, as I stand on the threshold of early adulthood, I realize the things I might’ve been yearning for in my younger years aren’t worth losing special memories over. I remind myself to be present, to embrace the moments as they come and to understand that life isn’t just about reaching a destination, it’s about experiencing the journey in its entirety.
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