No, these aren’t a few of my favorite things. Rather, they’re proof that babies born to celebrities don’t have a shot in hell when it comes to “standard” names.
Adding to the miserable fact that these kids have names worthy of Oompa-Loompas rather than humans is that they’re being raised by celebrities.
But perhaps we should be grateful for the children we have based on the children who could have been. Thanks to the scientific, genetic and psychic data fabricated below, maybe Moxie Crimefighter has a shot.
Name: JC Cruise
DOB: Oct. 10, 2010
Parents: Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley
There’s been debate about whether JC stands for Jumping Couch or Jenny Craig. But at the age of 19, JC will decide to abandon her scientologist roots and convert to the Catholic Church, much to the dismay of her parents.
The lovechild of a Cruise and Alley affair, JC will grow up in a broken home. The little girl was born with Cruise still married to Katie Holmes, who hasn’t been seen for years but likely suffers from desperate domesticity.
JC will never be able to leave her father’s past behind and will turn to Wendy’s delicious Baconator sandwich as tri-daily therapy. Life will slowly get better after a diet of Hydroxycut.
Name: Sober Hasselhoff
DOB: May 4, 2009
Parents: David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul
No Bud Light for this girl. Give her the Captain Morgan. Out of fear of a life like (or allegedly unlike, in Abdul’s case) theirs, the alcohol-laden parents tried to instill a sober lifestyle through an artsy name, pronounced
But once she steps through the gates of West Virginia University, the nation’s No. 1 party school according to the Princeton Review, all hope is lost.
Sober will go down in YouTube history like her father’s infamous drunken plea. But it’s a better experience than being a second-rate celeb in Germany.
Name: Whatis Prima Facie Trebek
DOB: Feb. 29, 2010
Parents: Alex Trebek and Judge Judy Scheindlin
After a successful plea for a federal mandate to have leap year occur every two years, the smart-aleck duo of Trebek and Scheindlin will not only set world records when it comes to their child with its birthday, but also with the amount of facial hair Whatis will have.
The 9-pound baby will don a full, grey mustache when he pops out of mommy. The national landmark, which had typically been considered extinct after the 18th season of Jeopardy!, is apparently genetic, passed onto all offspring of the game show guru.
Inherited from his mother will be Whatis’ temperamental nature, a dislike of Swiss cheese and an utter hatred for the city of Toronto.
Name: Cuisinart Joe Pennington
DOB: Dec. 14, 2012
Parents: Ty Pennington and Martha Stewart
Most people will look past the fact that this young man’s namesake is a food processor since his parents are revolutionary home improvement wizards.
It’s funny how his parents met, actually. They hooked up through Stewart’s prison pal, Big Sue Summerton, who knew Pennington from a weekend in Vegas that involved the MGM Grand, a bottle of champagne and Pepto-Bismol.
Regardless, Cuisinart will get a managerial position at Foot Locker, for his hands are not as gifted as those of his parents. The advantage is that Pennington gets discounts on his Timberlands.
Name: Scooby A. Vick
DOB: July 7, 2011
Parents: Michael Vick and Pamela Anderson
The ousted Falcon made amends for his animal cruelty with PETA member Anderson during a community service event at an animal shelter. But clearly, that wasn’t the only service Vick performed.
Cage B302 at the Sherwood Oaks Animal Shelter has been placed on the National Registry of Historic Places for being the place where Scooby was conceived. Scooby, who disowned his parents at the age of 14, will become a national treasure for his unprecedented work in toothpaste flavoring.
His minty-fresh breath, however, will be short-lived as he decides to quit the tooth business and move to Gilroy, Calif., garlic capital of the world. He’ll quickly find the ladies are hard to come by.
Chris Stover can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.