Columnist Brandon Baker breaks down the five reasons he’s happy to be single on the 14th.
Cast down your ice cream tubs, single ladies, because single gay men hate Valentine’s Day just as much as you. Or, at least I do.
Gay or straight, the hatred of Valentine’s Day is a far-reaching feeling that unites even the most bitter of enemies. But as much as I hate Valentine’s Day, I wouldn’t say that I necessarily hate being single, which is a common misconception from relationship-blinded people who love to pat their single friends on the back and declare, with as much smugness as pity, “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone someday.”
And let the eye-rolls ensue.
‘Tis the season to be single, I say. I do declare that I enjoy – no, I love – my gay, single self for five particular reasons, of which I only become more assured as time passes.
Reason number one: I have homo-happy women at my beck and call.
Why throw a man into the equation? At the risk of perpetuating the “hag” stereotype, all a gay man really needs to do in order to attract companions is notice a female’s hot and sexy heel choice or, conversely, obnoxiously comment on how insensitive and undeserving most men are. Bada-bing, bada-boom – you’ve got a companion at your side for as long as your little gay heart desires.
Reason number two: I’m a career woman.
This is especially true for those in the general college-age bracket. I don’t entirely understand why so many youth find it necessary to dwell on finding love and chug from one troubled relationship to the next, when the reality is that the desired idea of “settling down” is probably not going to happen at the age of 19. Personally, I find being a “career woman” to be a builder of sorts for my long-term “love résumé,” that is, your profile for finding someone like-minded is bolstered by your individual attributes and accomplishments. And aside from that, it is merely a guaranteed method of satisfaction that never fails.
Reason number three: Marriage? I thought that was for old people?
This hits a broader topic, but another common misconception many take from the GLBT community is that, because we – well, most of us – support marriage equality, we clearly all want to get married and adopt babies, Angelina Jolie-style. I strongly support marriage equality, and I may someday find myself walking down the aisle, but in the meantime it just seems like a silly way to gain the approval of others. And an even better bonus of not getting married from my perspective is not being forced to have the awkward conversation with the ‘rents about who foots the bill for the wedding, which, by gay standards, probably wouldn’t be under five digits.
Reason number four: I’m too cool for commercial.
I highly doubt I’m the only one that thinks it’s an incredibly big waste of money to dedicate a day to a relationship that may be only a few weeks old, just for the sake of partaking in a holiday. It’s as bad as a sports-hater claiming to celebrate the Super Bowl, when really they’re just in it for the beer. You’re not really celebrating the Super Bowl, in that case, you’re celebrating the mass consumption of alcohol just to conform. If you feel the need to romantically celebrate with your partner, celebrate an anniversary of something – anything but Valentine’s Day, really.
Reason number five: Yo ho, yo ho, it’s the single life for me.
Do you really want to forgo your drunken iCandy Nightclub experiences so early on in life? There’s something innately exhilarating about being “on the prowl” as a single gay man, whether you are just looking for someone to flirt with, or seeking out a willing party to take home with you to “watch a movie.” Worry about Valentine’s Day when you are older, and when you can afford more than a candlelight peanut butter and jelly sandwich dinner with your beau.
If Valentine’s Day is really your thing, I won’t judge you too harshly, but I will say that my anti-Valentine’s Day party, complete with a heart-shaped piñata, will probably blow the socks off of your night of so-called ecstasy.
Brandon Baker can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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