I’m clinging to mine.
My girlfriend and I argue on days that end in “y.”
I have no advice for men, I simply have experience.
For almost 24 months — because my girlfriend counts in months like we’re a drooling newborn — my Facebook relationship status has blown minds. Despite the hair pulling, heavy drinking and dry heaving — and that’s just me — my girlfriend and I have ridden this roller coaster in every direction.
For all those dudes desperate for a lover’s loop de loop, hang on to this column and soon you’ll learn how to throw your arms up in the air on a daily basis.
Women have always had advice columns where men are perceived as either the enemy or the elusive goal.
Psychiatrists, professors and doctors have been stirring the sugar-free male “haterade” for years, leaving women with a couch, a crutch and Lorena Bobbitt thoughts.
Guys need an advocate.
Since journalism is about giving a voice to the voiceless, I have volunteered to not only defend my gender, but also shed some light on some dark, cloudy issues surrounding the opposite sex. I’m not “Hitch,” nor am I a guru. I’m simply a writer who hopes his experiences can inform, inspire and, at the very least, entertain those dudes out there wondering why they’re reading the Living section.
College relationships are complex: You want to party, you want to be free and you want to find yourself. However, you hear about those guys who found their wives during college, and you get the itch.
You want someone with whom you can talk to about things that the other guys don’t want to hear. You want someone to impress, someone to make laugh and someone to have “fun” with.
On the other hand, there are instances where your girlfriend is solely around to humble you. When skies are gray, she’ll bring the rain. While you’re partying with your friends, she is plotting your demise. Just when you think the late night joy ride is finished, buckle up for the bitter guilt trip.
Your girlfriend doesn’t travel alone. She brings new family, new friends and this new monthly medical condition into your life. Are you prepared to watch the Phillies with a heightened focus on the players’ physiques?
My girlfriend doesn’t like attention – she sends her Christmas cards through PostSecret. Therefore, I’ll spare her name in this column and refer to her as the smattering of synonyms that Merriam-Webster offers for “girlfriend.” I refrain from using pet names in public, as should you.
If you’re going to perform public displays of affection, don’t hold back. Toss her on the Bell Tower and let freedom ring! Give those bookworms in the library something to take notes on.
I asked one of my best friends why he hasn’t pursued any ladies during college.
His retort: “My apartment is dilapidated and I don’t have enough money to woo her.” Now that is depressing.
This University of Pennsylvania student is under the impression that perfection is necessary for relationships. Listen, women know that we’re financially struggling college students. They don’t anticipate fancy cars, expensive feasts and lavish apartments. They merely expect attention, honesty and affection. Believe me, women will let you slide on some outrageous offenses as long as you’re willing to improve.
When you’ve arrived wasted at her autumn classic or written a song about her highly unlikely lesbian affair with her best friend, then you’re a war veteran with a purple heart and probably a couple black eyes.
Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes and copy my successes.
Being in a relationship is an ego trip. While there are plenty of other options on the market, you’re all sold out. You’re the orphan who found a home.
If this doughy hunchback of manic neurosis can keep an enchanting beauty coming back for almost two years, something must be working.
I hope that you keep coming back for more, too.
John Corrigan can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.