Dirrty, steamy calls

Hello, lovers. I have wonderful news that you all have probably heard by now. Still, I’m thrilled. Christina Aguilera is engaged!
After two years with music management exec Jordan Bratman, Xtina will tie the knot. No date has been set, but be sure myself and Dirt will be front row at the services (lie). Xtina and I will dance to the Moroccan remix of “Genie in a Bottle” and all will be merry (lie). After all, it was her sweaty, gyrating, end-all-nasty-anthem track “Dirrty” that inspired the title of this column (truth). Much love, Xtina, and best wishes.
Now for phone-sex operators and Irish trouser-snake actors. Classy phone sex operator Desarrae Bradford is suing bad boy heartthrob Colin Farrell for $5,000.
The suit alleges that Farrell became obsessed with the temptress after a series of steamy calls. Bradford claims to have sent the actor erotic artwork and a recorded tape. Farrell’s reps claim the star has never heard of her. Suki-suki.
The funny: ditzy Desarrae hasn’t officially served Farrell, having only hand-written the charges. How do you like that? She scribbles some nonsense on a bar napkin and calls it a lawsuit! Gorgeous. She has a month to serve Colin before the judge dismisses the case.
Child, sit down. More trouble with Lindsay Lohan’s daddy. Lord, he needs the Scriptures or some kind of 12-step. Michael Lohan was arrested on Long Island in the wee hours on Friday morning for driving drunk. He crashed into a pole and shortly after escaping, the vehicle burst into flames.
This doesn’t bode well with claims that he’s defeated substance abuse. And it certainly won’t help speculation that Lohan herself is overcoming adversity in her personals. Lohan has been checked into the hospital twice in the past four months with fevers and exhaustion. Better your damn selves, Lohans! Lindsay’s health is at stake and we need her!
The Smoking Gun, popular online source for official documents and celebrity mugshots, has obtained over 800 pages of testimony from the Michael Jackson trial. How and why, no one knows.
Jackson’s attorneys haven’t jumped for the jugular and maybe because, simply, the documents are from reliable sources. Magic-8 Ball says: Outlook Not So Good.
Jessica Simpson drama. The tart signed a seven-figure contract to star in a workout video, reportedly based on the workout regimen used to cultivate her killer (near-death, actually) body in the forthcoming Dukes of Hazard remake.
Producing company SpeedFIT begs to differ. Apparently their exercise philosophy differs from that of Mike Alexander (Jessica’s personal trainer).
“We thought Mike would increase the marketability of the exercise program,” Jessica’s business rep said. You thought wrong. Back to the medicine balls.
Matt Donnelly can be reached at mattdonn@temple.edu.