Drinkers toast to new below-the-belt boozing

Columnist Sarah Sanders questions whether the latest drinking fads – or, non-drinking fads – are worth the dangerous health risks they present.

Columnist Sarah Sanders questions whether the latest drinking fads – or, non-drinking fads – are worth the dangerous health risks they present.

I was so wasted.

It’s the kind of story you tell all of your friends and none of your family members. One line, and you have everyone’s attention. sarah sanders

They respond as if it were a knock-knock joke: How wasted were you?

Well, I was so wasted I don’t even know how much alcohol I consumed. I was so wasted, but my mouth retained its peppermint-y freshness. I was so wasted, but not one can of beer touched my lips.
How is that possible? Anal beer bongs and vodka-soaked tampons, my friends.

Maybe you’ve heard of this delightful new trend that’s been sweeping through Europe and the U.S. the past couple years. If you haven’t, you’re in for a real treat.

Social drinking and hard drugs have become a thing of the past. Kids want to get trashed sooner rather than later. We’re talking 15 minutes, and you’re stumbling around like it’s 2 a.m., and you’ve just finished your 13th beer.

We may have found the solution to getting our fix faster but with what health risks? Furthermore, are we sacrificing certain social relations by committing ourselves to a quicker buzz? Let’s consider our options before we jump to such drastic dealings.

In case you’re not familiar with what a beer bong is, it’s a simple plastic funnel attached to a long, coiled, transparent plastic tube. The end of the tube is open, so you can place it in your mouth while your friends hold the funnel up high, pouring beer down your throat.

Sounds bizarre enough, right? Not quite. An anal beer bong is pretty much what it sounds like; instead of the end of the tube going in your mouth, some choose to put it somewhere else. This way, the alcohol is absorbed directly into your bloodstream, and intoxication happens at a more rapid rate.
Let’s review: This process entails taking beer up the butt. If that isn’t enough, you need some very special friends in order to accomplish the task. If you must, I advise you do it with someone you can trust, especially for your first time. Afterward, you should try to maintain open communication. We don’t want either of you to end up regretting it.

Although, before you engage in this special occasion, you should be aware of the activity’s possible bodily repercussions. You can’t really measure how many red cupfuls of beer you’ve had with an anal beer bong. Thus, it becomes more difficult to know when to stop. The hastened absorption rate might surprise you, and you’ll be paralyzed after one hit.

Now I’d like to tackle the tampon method, though I find it more unpleasant, especially as a girl. The activity’s name may be self-explanatory, but for clarification purposes, I’ll explain.

Instead of using a tampon as a hygienic product during menstruation, girls are soaking the tampon in vodka before they insert it. The technique has the same intention as the beer bong – get drunk faster.
But the intoxicating tampon has even harsher consequences. Alcohol disinfects, and the vagina contains a delicate balance of bacteria. Thus, the combination could disrupt the vaginal harmony, and doctors say a girl could do some serious damage.

Maybe these fads get you smashed quickly without the resident assistant or policeman smelling beer on your breath, but what are you sacrificing? A certain ambience is lost when you choose a tampon over a cocktail glass at a party. And if old-fashioned alcohol poisoning wasn’t bad enough, who wants to ask their parents if their health insurance covers self-inflicted damage to their nether regions?

Drinking should be an enjoyable activity that only involves pain and suffering the morning after – if at all.

I thought I’d leave you with a few catchy words, like those great movies from middle school that warned you about cigarettes. So kids, if booze is your taste, just keep it above the waist!

Sarah Sanders can be reached at sarah.sanders@temple.edu.

12 Comments

  1. Sarah, if these are the types of things you discuss at your “dinner table”, then you are seriously disturbed.

    Not only is this topic irrevocably foul and disgusting, but also wholly inappropriate for a collegiate newspaper. I am both horrified and astonished that Temple would permit and facilitate the publishing of such garbage in the Temple News, let alone display it so blatantly on the front page of the website.

    As a former journalism major, I understand that you might consider this article some perverse sort of “investigative journalism”, but are these actions really something you want readers to associate with Temple students? I certainly hope not, both for your sake and mine. Have some damn discretion!

  2. KMattioli,

    There’s nothing disturbing about discussing, both with your family and readers, something people are actually doing that carries serious risks. And to call her “seriously disturbed” for writing about this topic is silly and melodramatic. Get over yourself.

    Sarah, I thought it was great and next time I’m home I’ll bring it up at dinner.

  3. KBattista,

    You’re joking right? You’re going to tell me that it is ok for a collegiate newspaper to publish this? I can see a medical journal or magazine covering this topic, but a COLLEGE NEWSPAPER! I really hope that you are being completely sarcastic in “bringing this up at dinner” because bottom line, this article is in KMmattioli’s words, “inappropriate”.

    What is the goal of The Temple News? Answer that and I am sure that you will discover this story barely attains to the standards of what a collegiate newspaper sets out to do for it’s students, faculty, administration and community members. Find better news to cover and have the editor do their job. I won’t even get into the horrific job this paper does at quoting people and using reliable sources because that has nothing to do with this article. But I don’t even know how this story made it out of someone’s mouth at a planning meeting, much less to print. So please, bring this up at dinner. Just be sure to turn your head away from the table before vomiting over your food.

  4. KBattista,

    You’re joking right? You’re going to tell me that it is ok for a collegiate newspaper to publish this? I can see a medical journal or magazine covering this topic, but a COLLEGE NEWSPAPER! I really hope that you are being completely sarcastic in “bringing this up at dinner” because bottom line, this article is in KMattioli’s words, “inappropriate”.

    What is the goal of The Temple News? Answer that and I am sure that you will discover this story barely attains to the standards of what a collegiate newspaper sets out to do for it’s students, faculty, administration and community members. Find better news to cover and have the editor do their job. I won’t even get into the horrific job this paper does at quoting people and using reliable sources because that has nothing to do with this article. But I don’t even know how this story made it out of someone’s mouth at a planning meeting, much less to print. So please, bring this up at dinner. Just be sure to turn your head away from the table before vomiting over your food.

  5. KMattioli, while I agree with you completely, do remember TTN is not an official Temple publication. The Temple Times is Temple’s paper.

    Either way, this is a trashy subject for an article, even beyond the crap that Sarah usually writes.

  6. The fact that the paper is located on the 2nd floor of the student center with other University affiliated organizations, along with their range of distribution on Main Campus and the fact that they hire Temple students definitely defines it as a a Temple publication. While the University may not consider it official, in the eyes of the Temple community it is University affiliated and therefore needs to show some censorship and adhere to some standards as to what is covered.

    There are a lot of organizations on campus that aren’t “official” by Temple’s standards, yet they still abide by a standard of professionalism in whatever they do. Look at some other communication-related organizations on campus, I guarantee you that they would not even think about running this story, much less putting it under column of the week.

    “If I’m not sure how to handle something, I’ll go out and interview the public or contact the experts.” – Sarah Sanders, The Temple News, September 23, 2009

    Wouldn’t any knowledgeable journalism student do this anyways? It’s pretty much one of the most important facets of reporting.

    Stick to writing something else. This is not only embarrassing for you and Temple News but also the University. I have talked to numerous students, faculty members and administrators about this article and they are appalled that it made it to print. Do some research next time and write something that is going to benefit and inform your readers, cause this sure as hell didn’t.

  7. I for one am glad The Temple News tried to step out of its comfort zone for once. No writer really has an idea of how many people are reading him/her until they get angry hate mail. I guess this is one way to gauge readers, as ungrateful as they are.

    Take a look at the traditional news values all journalists are supposed to abide by. This article introduces a trend, explains how it’s relevant to Temple students, and it’s an undiscussed topic, which is also a newsworthy reason to put something in a paper. It’s unfortunate that she couldn’t talk to any students because that would have bolstered her column, but who would want to be on record talking about openly doing this?

    Just because you and some Temple faculty didn’t like the article doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have been put in print. Get over yourself.

  8. If no Temple students were quoted in an article about things they are allegedly doing, then how exactly is it relevant to Temple students? Think about it.

    It’s an undiscussed topic because it’s stupid, ridiculous, absolutely absurd and in no way merits any sort of serious thought beyond “hey, what a stupid idea” – NOT because it’s such a “newsworthy” topic.

    Regardless of whether or not the Temple News is the official publication of Temple University is completely irrelevant. Any logical person reading this article is automatically going to associate Temple with “below-the-belt boozing” because it is written in a publication bearing the university’s logo and name. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to college to get an education and promote myself in a competitive job market; yet, this is the kind of trashy pseudo-news that denigrates the quality of Temple’s education. Don’t believe me? Let me ask you this: would you feel comfortable discussing these topics with your boss?

    There’s a time and a place for every thing and I stand by my opinion that the Temple News for Sarah’s article was neither the appropriate time nor place.

  9. Observer, it’s not an official publication, end of story. But we are in complete agreement that publishing this article was terribly poor in judgment.

    H. Winker, no one cares about “traditional news values” in this discussion. TTN published a story about sticking a plastic tube up one’s anus to get drunk fast. Think about that for a second.

    Anyhow, Sarah, I do hope you find a journalism job where you can freely write things of such crude nature — perhaps for one of the weeklies.

  10. R. Howard, the Temple Times is published by the University’s PR professionals. That does not make it “Temple’s official paper.” That makes it a vehicle for positive reinforcement of Temple’s brand and image.

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