Columnist Sarah Sanders questions whether the latest drinking fads – or, non-drinking fads – are worth the dangerous health risks they present.
I was so wasted.
They respond as if it were a knock-knock joke: How wasted were you?
Well, I was so wasted I don’t even know how much alcohol I consumed. I was so wasted, but my mouth retained its peppermint-y freshness. I was so wasted, but not one can of beer touched my lips.
How is that possible? Anal beer bongs and vodka-soaked tampons, my friends.
Maybe you’ve heard of this delightful new trend that’s been sweeping through Europe and the U.S. the past couple years. If you haven’t, you’re in for a real treat.
Social drinking and hard drugs have become a thing of the past. Kids want to get trashed sooner rather than later. We’re talking 15 minutes, and you’re stumbling around like it’s 2 a.m., and you’ve just finished your 13th beer.
We may have found the solution to getting our fix faster but with what health risks? Furthermore, are we sacrificing certain social relations by committing ourselves to a quicker buzz? Let’s consider our options before we jump to such drastic dealings.
In case you’re not familiar with what a beer bong is, it’s a simple plastic funnel attached to a long, coiled, transparent plastic tube. The end of the tube is open, so you can place it in your mouth while your friends hold the funnel up high, pouring beer down your throat.
Sounds bizarre enough, right? Not quite. An anal beer bong is pretty much what it sounds like; instead of the end of the tube going in your mouth, some choose to put it somewhere else. This way, the alcohol is absorbed directly into your bloodstream, and intoxication happens at a more rapid rate.
Let’s review: This process entails taking beer up the butt. If that isn’t enough, you need some very special friends in order to accomplish the task. If you must, I advise you do it with someone you can trust, especially for your first time. Afterward, you should try to maintain open communication. We don’t want either of you to end up regretting it.
Although, before you engage in this special occasion, you should be aware of the activity’s possible bodily repercussions. You can’t really measure how many red cupfuls of beer you’ve had with an anal beer bong. Thus, it becomes more difficult to know when to stop. The hastened absorption rate might surprise you, and you’ll be paralyzed after one hit.
Now I’d like to tackle the tampon method, though I find it more unpleasant, especially as a girl. The activity’s name may be self-explanatory, but for clarification purposes, I’ll explain.
Instead of using a tampon as a hygienic product during menstruation, girls are soaking the tampon in vodka before they insert it. The technique has the same intention as the beer bong – get drunk faster.
But the intoxicating tampon has even harsher consequences. Alcohol disinfects, and the vagina contains a delicate balance of bacteria. Thus, the combination could disrupt the vaginal harmony, and doctors say a girl could do some serious damage.
Maybe these fads get you smashed quickly without the resident assistant or policeman smelling beer on your breath, but what are you sacrificing? A certain ambience is lost when you choose a tampon over a cocktail glass at a party. And if old-fashioned alcohol poisoning wasn’t bad enough, who wants to ask their parents if their health insurance covers self-inflicted damage to their nether regions?
Drinking should be an enjoyable activity that only involves pain and suffering the morning after – if at all.
I thought I’d leave you with a few catchy words, like those great movies from middle school that warned you about cigarettes. So kids, if booze is your taste, just keep it above the waist!
Sarah Sanders can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.