Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
So, you don’t know how to break it to your friend that her new boy is more hit than a Quiznos rodent? Eh, some things are better left unsaid. Just make sure you’re not caught hanging out with the gruesome twosome, all right?
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Did you know that Ravi Shankar is an Aries? It looks like being smooth is common among you guys. Keep on your game this week, because it’s a week for players.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you took all the candy you ever ate throughout your entire life, shrunk it, and then compacted it into one bite-sized super-delicious watermelon flavored hard candy, it still wouldn’t be as sweet as being a Taurus. All right!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Your problem is that you want people to be excited for you. You actually think your ego is big enough to be the center of everyone else’s universe. It doesn’t even matter to you that the stuff you’re into is lamer than a two-legged dog. Get over yourself, so that other people don’t have to.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
You need to stabilize yourself, mamacita! Your mood has more swings than a playground and your pals are getting fed up! Try to stay cool and level this week.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
So, yeah, I was crossing the street, and a Leo almost mowed me down when he ran a stop sign. Then he had the nerve to give me the wave! What’s up with you guys!? Acting like everyone else is wrong and needs to be told what to do.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
I don’t know about you, but man oh man, those new white chocolate Reeses’ Cups rule! It just goes to show you, Virgo, sometime a little change on the surface can make all the difference.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Oh, man! The virus is out on 24! That’s almost as bad as the week you’re going to have. Stay inside and don’t call your friends. Looks like you owe some of them, and they are lookin’ to collect. Next time, don’t make bets you don’t intend to live
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
While your jerkface co-workers might not have their junk in order, don’t let it razz ya. You’re usually so calm, so it’s time for you to stay that way. It’ll make for a much more laid-back week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
So, in researching the Aries horoscope this week, I found out that Howie Mandel is a Sagittarius…I wouldn’t be proud of that if I was your sign.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This kid I know said that I should clean my shoes by putting them in the dishwasher. Is this true? I always thought that was baseball hats…Anyway, keep your feet clean this week, and you won’t have this dilemma.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
I don’t know why diners serve anything other than BLTs. Such a good sandwich. Make sure you have one this week, Aquarius, because you could use a little deliciousness in your life.
Bobby Astro can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org