As I sit on my couch from the comfort of my home typing this essay on my laptop, it feels like my seasonal depression is constantly flipping my attention span on and off in my brain.
For me, seasonal depression is like that one lazy winter day where it’s too cold outside to go anywhere, and you’d rather spend it in your pajamas. Except that feeling lasts for months.
Earlier in the day, I was contemplating if it was worth attending my virtual classes. Although it only takes a few clicks of the keyboard to join a Zoom meeting, my seasonally-depressed brain would’ve preferred to go back to sleep, because my energy was just not there.
I first felt the effects of seasonal depression in elementary school, and at the time I thought I was just a boring kid who couldn’t enjoy the winter time. But during the past five years, I’ve noticed it getting worse.
Now, I feel like my generalized anxiety has bled into my seasonal depression, making an aggravating cocktail of anxiousness, irritability and lack of motivation.
I’ve also lost count of how many times I’ve asked my grandparents to fly me down to their house in Florida. I would much rather spend my time in a warm, sunny lanai than watch the sun set before dinner time, because I feel like my days have ended before they’ve started when it gets dark earlier.
One of my biggest problems with seasonal depression is that it depletes my energy or desire to do many things, like hanging out with my best friend or running errands. While I feel guilty for not being so enthusiastic when it comes time to go out with friends, I don’t let it affect my relationships. I try to think of the memories and fun times we’ll have together, and not focus on my brain telling me to stay home.
My seasonal depression has also led me to develop an erratic sleep schedule. I periodically wake up throughout the night, or at 3 a.m. and can’t fall back asleep. My circadian rhythm is in a funk and it’s hard to keep it on a consistent schedule.
I spent most of my winter break relaxing from the fall semester. Being back in-person was a very exciting time in my life. My college experience coinciding with the pandemic was a curveball, so I had high hopes that things were looking up.
When Temple announced we were going back online, I feared I would go back to staring at my laptop screen all day, and my motivation would start slipping away as my seasonal depression started settling in.
I’ve always been a procrastinator, and unfortunately, my seasonal depression only worsens that trait. When my motivation is already under attack, the urgency to get work done flies out the window.
As a junior, I’ve noticed that my procrastination peaks at the beginning of spring semesters because I’m still mentally exhausted from winter break and the previous semester. My grades, though passing, aren’t usually as great as they could be and it provokes my anxiety, because I know I can do better.
With my anxiety and bouts of seasonal depression, I understand it’s all a cruel trick my mind is playing on me and it negatively affects the way I function.
Being able to juggle school, work and a tricky brain is tiring. But as the saying “this too, shall pass” eludes, so will winter.
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