After a sexless summer, Samantha Krotzer takes a bite into her saving graces: “True Blood” and tweeters.
Hi, tweeters. I’m back. Thank God about that because this summer blew – figuratively, not literally. You’ll understand soon.
I thought I was going to die and then feared there would be no Twitter in heaven. I mean hell. I’ll admit I am still bitter I didn’t drop any pounds from the excessive sweating, but this summer had a more awful fate for me. It was very uneventful. And by uneventful, I mean sexless.
Maybe my summer was sexless because my Twitter is private, and therefore only a limited amount of people can see the seductive wit of my tweets, but let’s not dwell on it. I’m not going to go all “Sex and the City” and eat a whole cake instead of having sex; I will just watch sex on HBO.
“True Blood” was the best thing that has happened to me in a while, and I am not embarrassed to say that. The story is compelling. I am almost blinded by the extreme attractiveness of the characters. It is really fun to say “vamper slut” in my version of a Southern accent, and of course, the sex scenes are mind-blowing.
Plus, the show has a Twitter account – @TrueBloodHBO – so if I want to talk about how hot the sex was, I can, which is better than being next to some snoring mofo. Life is OK.
Oh, and if I do eat a whole cake while watching “True Blood,” it doesn’t mean anything because I just really like cake.
@Atorrez: #Ilikeyoubecause you like #trueblood
You have a point, @Atrorrez. But don’t feel like you have to like everyone who likes “True Blood.” You only have to like the people who have HBO. This is probably why my only date of the summer was a complete disaster; the fool didn’t know what “True Blood” was. Actually, he didn’t even like TV. He also took me to a strip club where none of the dancers looked like the ones in the vampire bar in the show, Fangtasia. I thought I saw some fangs, but it turned out to just be a snaggle tooth. SMH.*
@TaraNichole143: I’m readin somethin on #trueblood and Alex (eric’s character) doesn’t wear a sock in nude scenes. That’s kinda hot
Really? I guess he has a great sense of pride. He is really tall so… I mean, what?
@GETRIGHT53: Wit gr8 power comes gr8 responsibility (stolen from Spider-Man.) I’m goin in! &Real men don’t have 2 pause s— except True Blood onDemand
I’m not sure where the connection between “Spider Man” and “True Blood” comes from. (You know you can tweet twice to separate your thoughts.) Besides, if you are so keen on being a real man for only pausing one thing on TV, then I think Spider Man and all the vampires on “True Blood” would be a little confused. They aren’t real men. I mean, Spider Man is clearly part spider, and Bill and Eric from “True Blood” are dead. And all of them are probably cooler than you, you real man.
@KrazySexii_Kool: I jus felt like I was on a episode of true blood…. Stop tryna bite me
Maybe your date was just hungry or thought you were pretty. You should really learn how to be more sensitive to vampire needs. Just because “Twilight” sucks doesn’t mean you should punish the Truebies out there.
OK, so maybe replacing an active sex life with a sex-heavy TV drama isn’t the healthiest thing to do. But neither is making your cats their own Twitter accounts, and I did that too.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*SMH is an online abbreviation for “Shaking My Head.” Because the subject of Temple Tweets is Web-related,readers may recognize the inclusion of some Internet shorthand they aren’t always familiar with. To find more translations of tech jargon, visit https://www.netlingo.com.