I am absolutely dying for someone to ask me if there is something in my pants or if I am just happy to see them. Because you know what, there is something in my pants – a big, fat student refund check.
Rags-to-riches syndrome is hitting me hard. I’m tossing out George Washingtons all over this city. Venti, my friends; tall is for suckers. I even rented a movie on iTunes for $3.99, how cheap. I am totally buying a Twitter application for $5, so I can feel the financial security running through my fingertips each time I tweet. Maybe I will go buy some Four Loko. Just kidding. I prefer to mix my own vodka-Red Bulls.
Wait, someone please slap me. I am acting like one of those freaks in movies who start throwing money around the room when they get a lot of it. In the realm of wealth, I still have nothing compared to the Wall Street jokers who are sneezing $20 bills. But I was just so broke that if someone gave me a piece of toilet paper with “money” written on it, I would have taken it. If my hypothetical grandkids ever ask me whether money or love is better, I’ll be sure to tell them, “Both make you cry, but at least money will get you a stiff drink.”
@AnjelicaMilian: F— trust relationships are built on sex and money
This is obviously what I’ve been doing wrong. Trust is so old school. Silly, traditional me. So should I pay for a good relationship or just look for someone who has a lot of dough? Maybe I should just pay for sex to avoid people thinking I had feelings for them. That seems like the safest relationship.
@kierankelly: School loans can s my d.
School loans S’ed my D so much I don’t have a D anymore. Good thing I am not going to grad school. Sallie Mae might have been disappointed.
@blackblossom: so my meds cost me nothing at the pharmacy. while this was nice because i’m a broke college student, i was kind of annoyed
What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many people I know who would kill to be able to get medication without having to pay? I can’t believe you tweeted this publicly. Are you part of the Tea Party? Don’t answer that. #shudder
@blaireskii: #whyyougotta gucci bag, ugg boots, and a juicy shirt with no money in your pocket?
Now, we can’t judge a book by its cover. Maybe having no money in her pocket is just karma giving her what she gets for wearing really ugly overpriced clothes, or she has the sex and money relationship thing mastered – kind of reminds me of the time a bunch of dudes called me a “rich b—-” while walking home because I have a somewhat nice coat. Little did they know, the jeans I was wearing were basically crotchless due to a lack of other pants to wear.
It has become clear I need to prioritize the fate of my student refund check. No. 1: pants with a crotch, No. 2: a jug of wine and No. 3: love.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.