Temple University has recently been shaken up over President David Adamany’s choice to resign his post. Naturally, the university must search for replacements. Luckily, the administration has me to suggest some candidates and predict what would happen if they landed the job.
Candidate No. 1: Donald Rumsfeld – Secretary of Defense
Rumsfeld will be an ideal choice for his resolve and for running a tight shift. He would successfully beef up campus security; however his largest failure will come in managing athletics.
When asked about the football team’s lack of success, Rumsfeld would reply, “You have to take the field with the football team you have, not the football team you want.”
Candidate No. 2: Kanye West – Mad Rapper
Upon being appointed president, West immediately cancels all classes. He then advises everyone to drop out and rap about it. West would also hire actor Mike Myers to follow him around and act stunned at opportune times.
Candidate No. 3: George W. Bush – President of the United States
Bush passes West in the hallway on his way to his hiring interview and awkwardness ensues. He becomes instantly known for his tough rhetoric mixed with even tougher action.
Bush repeatedly warns applying students, “You are either with us, or you are with Penn.” Bush would oversee the building of Alter Hall. However, when it doesn’t exactly go the way he planned, he claims, “Given the information we had at the time, building Alter Hall was a reasonable choice.”
Although he should be fired the next day, he continues to lead Temple until 2008.
Candidate No. 4: Steve Jobs – CEO Apple Computers
Renames Temple to i-something, bans CD players, and paints everything white. Has ultimate goal for every student to own an iPod. When he realizes this is already the case, he quits.
Candidate No. 5: Hillary Clinton – U.S. Senator
Hillary gives a speech at the Liacouras Center blasting all faculty, students and employees while citing problems in every level of Temple’s hierarchy. When asked to provide solutions, she instead decides to run for the presidency of the United States.
Candidate No. 6: Terrell Owens – Pro Football Player
Many students and faculty believe Owens to be the missing piece to Temple’s puzzle and hope that his talents make Temple an Ivy League institution.
Owens soon resigns, claiming he is not making enough to feed his family, and is seen on Liacouras Walk doing situps.
Candidate No. 7: Michael Brown – Former FEMA Director.
No longer employed by the federal government, Michael Brown takes the post of presidency, promising great progress despite having no experience in the education sector.
However, as the weeks pass on, Temple students realize trash piling up in the streets, professors abandoning their classes, and the general lack of a necessary infrastructure.
After the chaotic state of the university becomes apparent, students find Brown balled-up in the fetal position under his desk.
Candidate No. 8: Peter Beers – Manager, Johnson and Hardwick Cafeteria
Beers would take his experience as friendly and lovable manager of J&H cafeteria and apply it to managing Temple. Beers would transform the wall of Wachman Hall facing Broad Street into a giant bulletin board for his comment cards.
Beers would also instruct J&H staple employee Bernard James to set up a stand at Broad and Cecil B. Moore and greet every prospective student. However, Beers would deny his request to rename Temple “Bernard’s.”
Sean Blanda can be reached at email@example.com.