Like many 20-somethings, the soundtrack to my summer was Charli xcx’s club record, “BRAT.” The album embodied the cultural zeitgeist of post-COVID life and the desire to breathe in the sweat of strangers while head-banging to a DJ set. This phenomenon was known as “brat summer,” a testament to young people’s yearning for party culture.
As normal as it may seem for a college student to be drawn to brat summer, it felt unattainable because summer has always been tricky for me. Without the demands of school and the fulfillment I get from learning and writing, my mood dampens and I find it hard to do things as simple as leaving the house.
While many of my peers spent their summers celebrating the blistering heat, my anxiety stopped me in my tracks before I could entertain the idea of leaving. When people texted me to hang out, I’d let their message sit in my inbox and pretend I didn’t see it. If they followed up, I’d lie and say I was busy. But even in isolation with my head glued to my pillow, I was listening to “BRAT” from front to back almost every day.
The most frustrating part about brat summer was loving the album so much but not being able to embody it the way others could. However, as I continued listening to “BRAT” months after its release, I found my version of a brat summer.
Along with the flirty lyricism and electronic beats were shockingly honest lyrics. Charli mused about the anxiety of coming of age, the insecurity of being in the public eye and the feeling of not being enough for everyone around her.
Like Charli, I often feel like I’m lacking something both personal and emotional. I frequently spiral about what I don’t have instead of appreciating what I do. That was the root of my summer depression.
I wanted to experience the ideal brat summer, but yearning for something I didn’t have made me forget all the amazing things I do. I had dedicated friends who wanted my company and I wish I appreciated them sooner.
I realized a traditional brat summer was never my idea of a good time anyway. I’m too anxious to be in large, overheated crowds of people in uncomfortable party clothes. It wasn’t being in a club or bar that I was jealous of. I wanted the togetherness I saw so many people enjoy as they celebrated their own version of brat summer.
Since then, I’ve started listening to “BRAT” in a different way. Between the jagged edges of “BRAT” is a tender heart boiling over with desperation and self-doubt. It became a gospel of what it’s like to be insecure and feel the need to hide it from the people around you. While Charli buried her emotions in clubbing and substances, I did it through isolation.
By listening to “BRAT,” I empathized with Charli and realized the feelings I have don’t make me a bad person or friend, but letting them control me did. Forcing myself to be alone did nothing except hurt those who just wanted to be around me.
I began mustering the willpower to reach out to my friends and do things as simple as going for a walk to get out of my isolated bubble. I went to baseball games, took impromptu drives with my best friends and ran around Philadelphia without caring when I would get home. For the first time in my life, being with my friends in the summer made me happy.
I learned to embody the essence of “BRAT” without the sparkles, alcohol and partying. The concept of being a brat is equally made up of messy hair, smudged lipstick and the barefoot walk home. But most importantly, it’s the ability to set aside my personal life and submerge myself in the community that makes being alive worthwhile.
I regret not hanging out with the people I love. I can’t rectify my mistakes now, but I can carry the lessons of brat summer with me into every season. Even if I’m tired, anxious or depressed, the best medicine is camaraderie. I’m now more dedicated to my friends, and I hope I’m able to stay consistent with my promises to hang out.
If Charli can do it, so can I. I expect to see my friends next summer when we’re all home for break. Until then, I’ll listen to “BRAT” and remind myself of what I learned, and hopefully, we can be bumping that record next year.
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