Here’s an end-of-the-semester test that requires no studying. As many of us graduate, we may feel nervous about what the future holds for us. This fear is misguided, for many successful people have come out of Temple.
As we all know, Bill Cosby was once a student here. He returns every year to speak at the graduation ceremony, turning it into a sporting event in which each major competes for louder applause.
But what about poor, overlooked Bob Saget?
That’s right! Bob freakin’ Saget went to Temple before exploding onto the late ’80s primetime scene with his hit shows “Full House” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
So whose path to success are you more likely to follow?
Figure it out by placing yourself in the roles of Dr. Cliff Huxtable and Danny Tanner to take the quiz.
1. You come home very late one night to find Uncle Jesse and his band, The Rippers, rocking out in your living room. Your daughters, who are supposed to be in bed, are running around like a bunch of hopped-up groupies. You…
a) Run up to your bedroom, crying.
b) Kick everyone out and calm yourself down with a delicious ham sandwich.
c) Rip off your shirt, stick out your tongue, and grab a guitar.
2. Theo’s spending habits are out of control. To teach him how to better manage his money, you…
a) Tell him to sit in the corner until you say he can leave.
b) Set up a hypothetical “real world” situation using monopoly money.
c) Teach him Quickbooks.
3. Michelle has decided to fill her kiddie pool in the kitchen. You say…
a) “Well, since it’s already filled, let’s clean the dog and Uncle Jesse’s hair in it!”
b) “Now Michelle…a swimming pool… belongs…outside. If it’s inside…it becomes….a bathtub. I know how much you hate baths.”
c) “You bratty little bitch! Put that pool outside before I drown you in it!”
4. It’s the grandparents’ anniversary and the Cosby family cannot decide which song to perform for them, as they do every year. You suggest…
a) “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.
b) “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green.
c) “The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem.
5. Stephanie accidentally cuts off a tuft of Uncle Jesse’s hair while playing “hairdresser.” He goes to a stylist to repair it and ends up crashing his motorcycle and breaking both of his arms. Stephanie blames herself for the whole thing. You…
a) Cue the sappy music and have a heart-to-heart talk with her, reassuring her that she is not a double geek-burger with cheese.
b) Tell her to bring Uncle Jesse some pudding.
c) Tell her it is her fault and suggest that she move into Kimmy Gibler’s house.
6. Delivering babies for a living really tires Cosby out. To let loose, you…
a) Remove all of the kitchen tiles and individually clean them in the sink.
b) Get down with some old jazz records.
c) Chill with a 40 oz. and a blunt.
7. D.J. skips school to get an autograph from her favorite singer, Stacy Q. When you catch wind of this, you punish her by…
a) Tying all of her shoes together.
b) Tell her how you too wanted to go get an autograph but you were too busy being elbow-high in placenta.
c) Shaving her head.
8. A new season of The Cosby Show is about to begin; and thus, a new introduction must be taped in which each member of the cast tries to out-dance Cosby. You decide to top them by dancing like…
a) Church Lady from “Saturday Night Live”
Scoring: a’s = 3 points, b’s = 2 points, and c’s = 1 points.
24 – 19 points – The Cos. Possible future careers include doctor, lawyer, gelatin spokesperson, spy, mid-wife, teacher, and sandwich maker.
18- 13 points – The Sag. Possible future careers include talk show host, nanny, receptionist, and cleaning maid.
12-8 points – You have chosen answers that neither The Cos nor The Sag would choose. You will not be following in their footsteps. Possible future careers include sausage mixer, cattle breeder, and sex line operator.