Columnist Alexis Sachdev gives advice on how to style up your baby bump.
Rejoice! Valentine’s week is finally dead and gone. My week-long love hangover has finally left my body, and I can think clearly again. But some of us aren’t so lucky. For you happy couples in love, or for the desperate ones who escaped to a motel on I-76, love’s hangover isn’t the only thing twisting your stomach into knots.
That’s right folks, I’m talking about little muffins in the oven. And in case your parents ask how it happened, remind them of the recipe:
R. Kelly’s “Chocolate Factory” album. Start with “Ignition” for best results:
• 3 glasses of merlot each
• 1 box of truffle chocolates
• A handful of chocolate-covered
• Several vanilla-scented candles,
strategically placed for the light to hide unwanted blemishes
Let all the ingredients come to a boil. Stir and enjoy.
Wait nine months, and your little bundle of joy will be fresh out the kitchen.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, October is the fourth-most popular month for birth, and November is No. 8, totaling approximately 719,000 births for both months. Think about it: Nine months after Valentine’s Day is Nov. 14, but we should always account for premature births. I think it’s safe to say people are taking advantage of the aphrodisiacs and getting down and dirty.
That’s where I come in. Dionysus and Eros taught the Greeks how to have a good time, but there was no goddess of style to whom Greek women could pray to when their togas got too tight.
We’ve all seen the crimes of fashion expecting mothers commit after their crimes of passion, so for all you expecting mommies out there – un-comb the cornrows, change your stained white wife-beater and take down your poster of Erin Brockovich. There will be no white-trash pregnancies under my watch.
OK, so you’re carrying anywhere between 15 to 40 pounds of extra weight for the next nine months, but this should only be incentive to look even better and hide your love handles.
For the first month or so, you’ll be able to get away with wearing your normal clothes – the morning sickness should counteract any noticeable weight gain for some time. This will also give you more than enough time to brace your friends and family for the big news.
About two-and-a-half months in is what people label “the awkward stage.” You’re too big for regular clothes, but still too small for maternity wear. Your best bet is to buy anything with an elastic waistband – leggings and yoga or sweat pants – and dress it up with a breezy tunic or empire-waist top. Also, the weather will start warming up around mid-April, so don’t be afraid of flowy summer dresses with cardigans. Think Quinn Fabray.
Once you hit the four-month mark, maternity clothing is a must. Luckily, the maternity department is improving, and you can still dress accordingly to your own style on any budget.
For all the punk rockers out there, maternity clothes are not just flowered and girly. Punkbabyclothes.net offers dresses and tops for expecting mommies worthy of Axl Rose’s many lovers. Even better, My Baby Rocks offers a flat shipping rate on all orders, and its prices are reasonable.
If you’re snarky and sarcastic like me, you will probably love 2 Chix, an online maternity store specializing in funny screen-printed T-shirts announcing your upcoming arrival. My favorite features a pregnant dinosaur with “Pregzilla” printed below.
2 Chix also sells skirts and stylish basics. If your baby’s daddy feels left out, 2 Chix offers equally hysterical T-shirts for men. Visit https://2chix.com to laugh, browse and sign up for special offers.
Footwear also becomes a major issue for expectant mothers. It should go without saying that heels are a major no-no. For the next nine months, you can just loan out any platform puppies to your broke friends (ahem, me), and trust they’ll be in good hands.
I don’t care what anyone says. Sure, your feet and back are going to hurt for three-quarters of the year and comfort is the most important thing, but so help me Gucci, if I see any expecting mommies sporting Crocs, I will rip them off your feet. I promise.
Comfort is often confused with ugly, especially in the case of Crocs. Cute, comfortable flats and flip-flops exist and often for a lot cheaper than a pair of $55 rubber clown shoes.
For the first few months, Chuck Taylors, Vans and other laced shoes will be acceptable. Once your bump starts growing, laces will be fairly difficult to tie, so slide-on flats and flip flops will be the most comfortable, especially in the sweltering summer heat. Arch support is an absolute must, as well.
The next nine months won’t be easy, ladies. But between the baby showers and piles of gifts from your friends and family who love you and members of your church who are praying for you, you can at least rely on the laughs and love they will shower you with.
From one fashionista to another, just remember this: Drugs are not stylish, so steer clear. Neither is sleeping with your brother, so I hope that wasn’t the case.
Alexis Sachdev can be reached at email@example.com.