For spending Valentine’s Day alone, Matt Flocco offers suggestions to make the infamous Hallmark holiday less about love and more about laughs.
Unless Cupid pops out from behind the coffee machines at 7-Eleven sometime in the next week, there’s a good chance yours truly will spend Feb. 14 alone or obnoxiously carousing with my best friend, who will be coping with the fact that he is now single on Valentine’s Day for the first time since seventh grade.
Here’s what’s nice: I don’t have to spend any money, unless it’s on myself. Besides that, it kind of sucks. Still, I realize there are plenty of other singles who are just as frustrated as I am on this day, so why not come up with some fun alternatives to the overly commercialized love fest?
Here are my suggestions:
Go all out and get the box of chocolates and the little candy hearts with the fading “BE MINE” or “TXT ME” messages. Go halfsies with a friend (or thirdsies with two) and just gorge on them the entire night. Think of it like Christmas in July, only this time, it’s Halloween in February.
Dress up one of your friends like Cupid, and have him or her go around Main Campus throwing snowballs or random blunt objects at people. A set of adult diapers is required.
Dress up like a homeless person and follow couples around Rittenhouse Square asking them for chocolate.
Send Rite Aid Valentines to your friends but sign them “President Ann Weaver Hart.”
Find a Temple squirrel, domesticate it, and make it your Valentine.
Go see the new movie Valentine’s Day with friends. Of all those famous actors, there’s bound to be one or two who will be really funny.
Fill out one of those Valentine’s Day quizzes on Facebook, and notice your Top 5 Valentines. When you see who they are, call them in order of their appearances on the list, and repeatedly demand to know why they’re not spending the day with you.
Send a Valentine that says “Missing You.” Address it to Andy Reid, and sign it “Love, Super Bowl XLIV.”
Buy a box of Franzia. Get drunk, call your crush, and confess your undying love for him or her. Then, drink some more wine so you won’t remember.
Send an @reply to a celebrity crush on Twitter. (Pink responds sometimes, and she’s from Philly.)
Buy a Valentine’s Day teddy bear, and rip it to shreds.
Take a guitar or other musical instrument to Liacouras Walk, and serenade the owl in Alumni Circle.
Dress up in scrubs, burst into Qdoba, and yell, “Did someone call the love doctor?”
Call your exes and tell them you’re standing outside their windows, watching them. For those of you taking this article seriously, don’t actually do this one.
Light candles or incense, and cry yourself to sleep listening to “All By Myself.”
Matt Flocco can be reached at email@example.com.