“Since when did this store become a fascist regime?”
“Since you brought that bulls— tape in.”
Sound familiar? Don’t tell me that you haven’t seen John Cusack and Jack Black at their finest in High Fidelity. I don’t even collect vinyl and I watch it monthly, no joke. Anyway, I’m going to steal Rob Gordon’s gimmick from the movie: top five lists. However, rather than rank the top five musical crimes perpetrated by Stevie Wonder or the top five songs about death, I’ll talk about something a little more timely. Seeing as we have reached the fall equinox, it means that the dreaded fall season has arrived. And I am obviously most displeased.
Top five reasons I’ll miss the summer:
1. The sticky, hot weather. I mean, who won’t miss walking outside at nine in the morning to the muggy heat that is Philadelphia in July? Visits to Center City just aren’t the same without a layer of perspiration and filth remaining on your skin. The sweat on my upper lip. The dampness on my back from my bag full of heavy books. The stain on the ass of my shorts telling everybody that I peed my pants, when in reality I’m just tough. The sweat cradled in my bra that makes my first-day-of-school dress just that much more uncomfortable. I’m sure I’ll find my life incredibly lacking without it.
2. The increasing price of our PECO bill. Electricity is so preciously and wonderfully expensive and, because of the pleasant sweltering heat, central air consumes so much of it. I relish the day when our statement comes through the mail, requesting that we pay them money so that our house doesn’t become a dark oven. The instant our bill decreases due to less necessity for cool air will be a dull one indeed.
3. No school. During the summer, I engage in very non-engaging activities. Most of the time, between work shifts, I’m watching the entire season of Freaks and Geeks, hanging around at the coffee house, road-tripping or eating several unnecessary meals throughout the day out of boredom. Very seldom do I find any real intellectual stimulation. Maybe I could have read a book, but that’s too easy. I’d rather melt my brain under the sun, scorning the day that I have to return to an institution so riddled with intelligence, awareness and ambition.
4. Better holidays. Let’s compare the major events of each season: Fourth of July vs. Halloween. A chance to show off my patriotism and eat hot dogs far surpasses a holiday surrounding friendly trickery, creative costumes and sugary satisfying sweets. I think you would all agree that saluting your country and all its glory provides for much more of a fuzzy feeling than living out childhood fantasies by dressing up as a pirate and receiving free candy.
5. Taking wild and adventurous trips across the world, as I had plenty of time, money and no other pending obligations. Oh, wait. I didn’t do that.
My point is: Fall is lame. Who sincerely enjoys this season? The rich and beautiful colors of fall are enough to make me sick. The comforting and delightful sound of leaves gliding across the ground and crunching under my feet is annoying and repetitive. It’s so unfortunate to have to switch to warm and soft sweaters and decorative socks that pull up to my knees. And corduroys! I don’t think I have to say anything about the complete lack of appeal in cords. Who really likes beards, flannel and comfortable weather anyway? Not me, that’s for sure.
Sarah Sanders can be reached at email@example.com.