Today I will clink my coffee mug full of wine against my computer to toast a very special occasion. I am proud to say that I will be celebrating my longest successful relationship. Of course, there have been some arguments over slow connections, feeling restricted when I needed more from Twitter than 140 characters and the pain of deeply rooted annoyance by some people’s inability to create proper hashtags. But, Temple Tweets, we made it. Sometimes I don’t think anyone wants to see us together, but you know what, I don’t care because I love you.
Last year at this time, I was nervously typing away, unsure of what to say. I told myself not to be too harsh or too sarcastic. But that all quickly changed when I found myself telling an obnoxious tweeter his penis was probably the size of a little pickle. I love growing as a person.
Maybe after I graduate in the spring, the underclassmen will wonder what I’m up to. They’ll Google me and see that one of the first results is Temple Tweets with a blurb telling the world I had zero sexual encounters for the entirety of summer 2010. And then they will wonder if I have died yet. Even if I have – remember, twits – my Twitter account will never be gone.
To celebrate the first-ever Temple Tweets, which was about National Coming Out Week, I am doing a bit of double dipping to see what kind of GLBT talk is going around Twitter this year. And let me tell you, it all makes me want a cigarette.
@Yunglexx: Its hard to tell wut chicks is straight or gay nowadays cause evry chick on facebook “married” to they best friend
Oh yes, because Facebook is the most reliable resource to find out who a person is interested in. I’m going to make my cat a Facebook so we can be married, and then you can tweet about bestiality.
@scottblokz: I knock on the boys bathroom guess what comes out? A lesbian WTF?
How do you know she was a lesbian? There is nothing wrong with women using the men’s restroom. You don’t have to wait as long, and as much as I hate to admit this, they’re usually cleaner. But, I am more concerned that you said boys’ bathroom. I bet you are one of those freaks that says “I need to go to the little boys’ room,” and winks. #pukeinmymouth
@iSaveLives: You know how I know you’re gay? You drink Corona lime…
Wow, @iSaveLives, you are a mastermind. You know, people spend so much time questioning themselves, not knowing who they are, but you have it all figured out. Am I straight, or am I gay? The real question you need to ask yourself when trying to figure out your sexual identity is: Do I drink Corona Lime?
@Brentonporter: It’s settled. Justin Bieber is a lesbian. #slattongumbonight
Slam dunk, @Brentonporter, slam dunk.
Happy One-Year, Temple Tweets. Let’s drink to the incompetence of tweeters everywhere.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.