The other day I woke up, rolled over and a wave of regret came over me. We’ve all been there – what seems like an innocent change of sleeping positions turned into a terrifying realization of what you did the night before.
I try to rub my eyes to see more clearly, and they just burn from the lingering Icy Hot on my fingers. No matter how much I drink, I never forget to put on Icy Hot – I’m old, and some people think it smells relaxing. Step off.
Anyway, my eyes focus through the burn, and I see a girl with red hair and pigtails. She looks a lot happier than I do, and she’s grinning like she knows me. After a few seconds, it all comes back to me: it’s Wendy.
I sit up quickly and see French fries scattered throughout my bed. I lick my lips, and there is the faint taste of salt. This can’t be happening.
Tweeters, I’m a fraud. I will spend my days tweeting links to recipes that are the portrait of healthy eating. By night, after a few brewskis, Wendy becomes my best friend, and we are holding hands on our way to visit that Ronald McDonald dude.
I declare to the world I am done smoking, and here I am drinking and then eating corn syrup-infused potatoes. Smoking is probably healthier. If Twitter suggests I follow Wendy’s, I am deactivating my account. I need a babysitter.
@Nsane007: OMG!!! These wendys fries taste like Bacon!!!! I think I just jizzed in my pants… they should always taste like this!
They should always taste like bacon? Why would you even bother eating fries when you can just eat bacon? I will never understand society’s obsession with bacon and bacon-flavored things. Oh, yeah, let’s soak this already disgusting food in another thing that will give you a heart attack. This tweet is exactly what I needed to read to make me stop my fast food behavior.
@feelgoodfrank: @kerridocc since I’m a vegetarian, I indulged in a checkers fish sandwich last night. #mademewannadie
The term is actually “pescatarian,” but I won’t be too much of a critic because I am guilty of saying I was a vegetarian while I occasionally ate fish. This sandwich you speak of, along with watching too much Travel Channel, turned me off from seafood all together. Whatever that sandwich is, it is hard to think that it ever swam at any point. If it did, it was probably in a sewer.
@thesteffabstrac: Checkers fries are my vice.
Used to be mine, too. Now all I can think about is the possibility that they were cooked in bacon grease. I told my friends that if they see me check into Checkers on foursquare (yeah, foursquare, suck it) then they need to call me because that can only mean I am in bad shape.
What was I thinking hanging out with Wendy and Ronald – everyone knows gingers are trouble. SMH.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.