What’s a girl to do when she realizes her most rock bottom of dreams has already been done? I would go as far to say I have pined to be the star of a mediocre sitcom and then eventually lose my mind publicly. The “E! True Hollywood Story” would be phenomenal – a portrait of a once cute little kid who led a shipwrecked life since the third grade when she accidentally got a bowl haircut and dyed her hair bright red. All the pain would be worth it for the ultimate pay off: true Twitter fame.
Tweeters, I need an audience, and I need it bad. I obviously need to get more serious about my demise. Maybe it has already happened, and my lack of Twitter fame made it so no one, not even myself, knew. I live my life in a constant state of tweet contemplation. I ask myself, “Is this clever enough to tweet?” over and over again and wait until I have the wording just right before I breathe in deep and click “Send.” Two minutes into Charlie Sheen’s Twitter career, and he has two million followers. I even saw my cat’s tweet using #winning.
Really, everyone? Are we all winning? I know I am not, and that gives me full confidence that a lot of people aren’t winning. Essentially, we are all dying, so in a sense that means we are all #losing. I think the fail whale would agree with me here. No one should be surprised that I’ve made whiskey my new drink – @CharlieSheen made me do it.
@hyacinthblue: don’t be a drag, just be a queen. whether you’re broke or charlie sheen!
Do we really have to bring Gaga into this? I am broke, and it is kind of hard to be a queen when you can’t even buy makeup to cover the bags under your eyes.
@Human_Pollution: Yeah, get ‘em #temple 🙂 #winning in AC for the second day now!
Aw, look you blew it for the Owls. That’s what happens when you mix innocent hashtags with the wrath of Charlie Sheen – we all #lose. P.S. What is with your Twitter handle? That’s disgusting.
@ShnizmuffiN: I’m not sure what the problem is, but the solution is probably dick pics. #winning
I think a lot of us would actually be #winning if the solution to problems would be pictures of penises. But would we still be #winning if we all wanted to vomit all the time? Maybe it is just me who thinks pecker pics are vile. Also, @ShnizmuffiN, see how I did that using the same letter? It is called alliteration and it makes me sound smarter.
You’d think with the awesomeness of https://ischarliesheendead.com he would let me have Twitter but nope.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.