The other day, I went to the restroom at work, entered a stall and immediately exited it. Right behind me was a janitor that I’ve come to love. She must have seen the horror in my eyes because she started shouting.
“It’s not s–t, it’s not s–t, it’s not s–t,” she said over and over and over. “It’s chocolate!”
My first thought was, “That was absolutely disgusting,” and “How in the world does she know for a fact that it is actually chocolate.” And then I realized that this sweet woman really had no idea if it was feces or chocolate – she was just trying to teach me a life lesson. This was all a huge metaphor for life. Sometimes you get crap, sometimes you get chocolate, and a lot of the time, the two look exactly the same.
As I reflected on this past semester, I couldn’t help but cry. Typically I do not endorse crying, but in this case it kind of worked out nicely. The tears acted as the perfect splash of water that my glass of whiskey needed. Yeah, chocolate is good but, it isn’t very good if it is smeared on a toilet seat. Tears are bad, but if they make your whiskey better, then they are pretty good to me. See how funny life is?
So where am I now? Besides in danger of not graduating and being thousands of dollars in debt, I am enlightened. It’s kind of like that Kid Cudi song: Twitter is gold but that doesn’t mean that all of our followers glitter. That is what the song was about, right? Either way, that is why there is an “unfollow” button and why it feels so good to click it.
For fun, I did some cruising on Twitter with the nifty search option of “tweets with a negative attitude.” Let’s see who else needs enlightened.
@londonfaust: No one’s ever excited to see me when i come home 🙁 @ALwyskeep1rolld can we go back to temple yet?
If no one is excited, then maybe you should stop going home only to post pity tweets. Besides, it is super embarrassing to publicly post that no one wants to hang out with you.
@burkeburk3: Aw man. Some girl on a temple tour just walked by me wearing a soundgarden tshirt. 🙁
You should totally be happy someone is proud enough to wear that shirt. It hurts my heart to think back to watching them perform on the Rosie O’Donnell show and remembering that people thought of their song as the “Cherry Cola” song.
@KattAdams: someone please bring me a wawa corn muffin.. im craaaving one and temple is dumb and doesnt have a wawa 🙁
Temple isn’t dumb for not having a Wawa – the following that Wawa has is freaky. Yeah, let’s support a huge corporation that makes their hoagies with supplies from Costco instead of walking down the street and getting actual food. Do we really trust a store that is named after a honking goose? Guess so.
It seems as if the only way that Twitter knows if your tweet is negative is by the use of a frown face. Google knows that I thought I had Gang Green in 2007, but are you telling me Twitter can’t figure out the tone of tweets? SMH, Twitter, I thought you were always chocolate sans toilet seat.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.