I’m sure it is no surprise that Valentine’s Day just pisses me off. It isn’t that I am overly bitter or lonely – I do have Twitter by my side. It is just that other people, via social networking, ruin what might be a – gasp – somewhat cute holiday.
Am I the only one who doesn’t post my every move with my significant other? And by not doing so, have I somehow caused the failure of all my relationships? I know a Facebook status like, “In bed with a movie and Twitter <3 <3 <3!” might lead to ridicule or pity, but if Twitter breaks up with me, my life would be over. Regardless of my personal feelings, the excited Valentine’s Day tweets are endless. Thankfully, there are just as many angry tweets keeping my veins from popping.
@nicholasreed: “I’m giving you this box of chocolates & this diamond necklace to reward you for ignoring my coke & whores habit. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
Valentine’s Day acts like some weird, magical eraser for all the wrong done in the relationship prior to this one day. It is actually kind of awesome when you think about it. Asking someone to be your Valentine is practically like giving someone sainthood status: I am someone’s Valentine. I am untouchable. I am a beautiful animal.
@vivaladomo: Call me a bitter bitch, but I’m sick of seeing Valentine’s Day tweets.. the 14th needs to hurry & pass!
It’s OK to be a bitter bitch, @vivaladomo. Ignore what I said earlier. I am as bitter as a grove of lemons. I typically try to avoid any sort of relationship when it comes to holidays. Once, I put off dating someone until after Christmas and New Years had passed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky to avoid Valentine’s Day. My then-boyfriend got me a huge plush pillow in the shape of a dog, which was prefaced with, “My mom made me get this.” At least last year I got a bottle of vodka. The good thing about theses crapola gifts is, they kind of act as a wake-up call. You think you know someone and are under the impression that he, at least sort of, knows you, and then you get stuffed animals when you are in your 20s. See ya.
@NickiAntoinette: valentines day is gunnaaa be smoothhhhh… all star game, sex & gifts!! wat else!??
Good point, @NickiAntoinette. What else? Valentine’s Day is all about the sex. At first thought, I get annoyed by that and think, “Why can’t you have sex whenever you want? Why do you need a special day?” As I critically analyzed this, it made more and more sense. Sex needs no holiday, but what Valentine’s Day can do for your sex life is make your partner try a little harder. With all the built up V-Day preconceptions, if a partner delivers mediocre services, he or she is subject to be the butt of many jokes to come. For example, my thoughts on the second tweet: Feb. 14 + stuffed animals = no sex.
Whether you are listening to that Smashing Pumpkins song where they dub the world a vampire or if you bought one of those “Valentine’s Day 2010” T-shirts from Old Navy, I wish everyone in the Twittersphere the happiest Valentine’s Day they can muster.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.