Drinking and technology make for a funny combination. For me, it is the cranberry to my vodka or the tonic in my gin. As my blood alcohol content slowly rises, a trigger sets off in my brain, and I find myself repetitively asking, “Who would love to hear from me right now?” The answer is simple: No one. But that sad reality doesn’t stop me.
In the age of technology, it seems wrong to only let a few select people know you are drunk. Group texts are limited to 10, and can anyone really figure out how to make a conference call while wasted?
Obviously, the thing to do is drunk tweet. It’s difficult to juggle your cell phone, your cocktail and – let’s face it – a cigarette. It seems counterproductive to make individual calls, and multitasking with temporarily low motor skills is not an easy feat. Let Twitter know you are on your way to being sloshed. I feel great when someone drunk-contacts me, and Twitter feels the same. Besides, everyone knows you really aren’t drunk until you publicly declare it.
@crosswalkkarma: I won the oenis game.
When first reading this, I had to question whether this was a drunk tweet. The giveaway was the early-morning time and the misspelled tweets. I was secretly hoping this was not a drunk tweet because now I just feel silly for playing the penis game while being stone-cold sober. Even with beer goggles, I know I will never be as hot as Zooey Deschanel. But if she can play the penis game beyond the age of 14, then I can, too.
@MASTERMOO: Drunk and always focus I rep that temple u baby owwwww
I thought we all drank to forget about Temple or, at least, to get our homework done faster. In no way, shape or form will anyone ever find me wasted singing “T for Temple U” on the corner of Diamond and Craptastic. Does Temple really want us representing it while intoxicated, though? I would not be surprised to hear Ann Weaver Heart goes home and makes a stiff Grey Goose dirty martini, but do the thousands of Temple pamphlets show her sipping on that bad boy? No.
@JoshDruck: “I don’t get Drunk. I Get Awesome.” #quote #beer #drunk #drinking #awesome #iget
Actually, @JoshDruck, you get obnoxious and annoying. I’ve never witnessed such hashtag abuse. I am going to assume you don’t know who Gertrude Stein is because she writes these things called books. She says once you define yourself, it becomes untrue. Therefore, @JoshDruck, you do get drunk and you do not get awesome.
Just like booze and the Internet, alcohol and honesty are a notorious couple. So, to be honest, most of your beloved Temple Tweets have been written under the influence of at least one glass of wine. Is that a problem? I didn’t think so.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.